


Broken Souls

by Gweargroal



Series: Broken Souls universe [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 15:42:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12171885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gweargroal/pseuds/Gweargroal
Summary: Prior to manga - Kakashi has to deal with a persistent cemetery friend. Iruka lost himself due to a mission that cost him a lot, and Kakashi takes on himself to mend the broken soul. KakaIru.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with heavy themes. You were warned. Still, enjoy this story as much as you can, as it helped me through hard times, and still does. Hope it will help you too, reader.

The morning was rising quietly, the wind chilling him a little. Even if the hot season was still starting, the weather was unusually cold at this time of the year. Crossing his arms on his chest, Kakashi made a mental note to bring something warmer than just his green jacket next time.

Adjusting his stance to be a little more comfortable, he was not sure if his friends and sensei would have been happy with him testing his chance to catch a cold in order to pay them a visit. Rin would have lectured him, that was for sure; Obito and Minato-sensei would have thought he was too stubborn. There was no reason for him anyway to move from his spot between the field of memorial stones around him.

He had some time off, his last mission had been completed without too much risk, a few bruises and shallow cuts, added to an headache from some concussion. He sigh, ruffling his silver hair. He hated being off duty. Too much time to ponder things and life, and way too much free time. He had already read repeatedly the lastest edition of Icha Icha, gave his pack of dogs and himself a lot of long trainings, and he had done enough of challenges with Gai for a while, if not for a lifetime.

Sandaime was up to something, again. As much as he respected the old man, Sarutobi had his way around some concern of Kakashi's personal life that was not his. As if getting Sharingan no Kakashi out of the Anbu squadron and give him genins to train would help him live better. The copynin frowned. Genins. He was going to get another genin team in some days. Again. He mentally smacked himself for this. He was not his sensei, and he was not good with kids. So much trouble.

He looked at Minato's memorial. How Yondaime had been able to teach a young shinobi who had a hard time thinking about the safety of their comrades? It was not something Kakashi wanted to try off, not after Obito and Rin. There was no point in training kids who did not understand teamwork.

"Have I told you that one, sensei?" he said out loud at the stones, silence listening. "They tried to get the bell by..." he trailed off, hearing footsteps.

His eyes perked up as the two men were approaching him. He raised from his crouched stance, hands hiding in pockets. Two chunnins. Weird. Anbu were usually the ones looking for him. He looked away when he saw that, no, they were not coming for him ; they had stopped a few steps away in front of one the many memorial stones that were gathered.

But in his glance he had understood that it was a mission that had gone bad. The battered pulp that was one of the chunnin told everything. Paying no more attention, he made his leave. If he could have privacy for a such a while, they could too.

"Later," he muttered to his sensei, making a note to tell him the story the next time he would visit.

***

Iruka sat back on the chair, let the people take care of his injuries, nodded and shaked his head at questions that did not need him to speak. He left the other questions with no answers, even if the glare that the medic-nin was throwing could have kill him. He stared blankly at the wall beside him and was not moved by the sighs he could hear and the pleading the medic team said to gain insight of his state.

Everything was in a haze, everything blurred together, and the young chunnin could not hold any conversation, and he did not want to. He felt empty of everything, any emotion or thought. He was not able to say a thing, his tongue feeling like lead; each actions that asked his brain to stir from this numb state was too painful.

Izumo and Kotetsu knew it would take time, and did not resent him. For the last few days they had taken care of him : gave him baths, made him eat what they could or he would not do it by himself. They did not dare say it, but when each lover looked at each other, they knew deeply inside of them. No one would get away this with no scars.

Iruka had lost weight through the last weeks, partly due to his mission, partly due to his denial of life. They hold each other hands when a grey haired medic-nin came to them, never gazing away from the shinobi sitting in the white very still, never moving, while they were explained the state of shock their friend was currently in, despite being healing well. He was broken.

***

It was still very cold the next day Kakashi sat at the cemetery, even with his long sleeve jacket he had brought with him. Stupid weather. He looked at the sky, grumbling to himself how it could be so cold by this time of the year. It was the beginning of the hot season, was not it ?

"Yeah sure, Obito, keep laughing," he grumbled. "So, sensei, about the genins I was talking about the other day. Hmph, the new ones were even more worse than the last ones. They almost got each other poisoned by throwings kunais without even trying to see where each kid were." He kept silent, and the leaves were rustled by the wind. "I know, Rin. Where did they even get that poison?"

He sighed. So much for teamwork nowadays. Were every genins set for doom lately?

He turned his head at the footsteps his was getting used to lately. Since two weeks chunnins were coming to the tombstone everyday, one of them always the same, and two chunnins were exchanging the compagnion place from time to time. He seemed to have good friends.

At first, Kakashi would leave as soon as they arrived, leaving them alone to give their respect and grieve. But then, since maybe two more weeks, the chunnin kept coming alone very early in the morning. The boy - well, maybe a little older than a teen, if Kakashi was fair - was standing in front of the memorial stone even before Kakashi arrival. Which was usually very, very soon in those chilly mornings of this weird hot season.

His first reaction was to turn around and come back later. It worked. When he would come back, the chunnin had left, leaving him in his private time with his long lost friends. It did not last long. After a few days, the ponytail haired shinobi started to stay longer. Kakashi had no other choice than to accomodate himself with someone who seemed grieving as much as he had at the beginning.

Well, the place was not his actually, and when he tried to have is grieving time in the afternoon instead of the morning, there was much more people than in the early hours. So, he began coming at the same hour as he used too, even if the chunnin was there. Anyway, it was not as if he would even talk to him.

The sick looking shinobi always stared at the memorial stone, never moved, never made a sound. His friends were not there, assuredly on mission; they seemed to care for their friend deeply, Hatake could not think that they would leave him there all alone in this state. Even he had someone back in the days, if he could say that the Hokage and ANBU troops were family.

The silver haired shinobi had not decided to do something for him; a grieving shinobi could still take care of himself. Well, if he could, this one could too. That was unill he came one morning and found him slouched against tombstones. Slouched, and asleep, or fainted maybe. Kakashi was not sure of the state the boy was in, and reached for his neck to check for a pulse.

If he had not good reflexes, or was not jounin for that matter, he sure would have died at this moment. He could feel the cold metal of the sharp blade against his cheek. He had merely stop it, deviating it in the mere blink of an eye the kunai to only touch his cheek. There was no blood, only a slight red mark.

The chunnin looked at him with wide brown eyes, lost brown eyes, affraid of something that Kakashi knew he was not. He did not release the wrist holding the kunai from his irongrip until he saw recollection hit the scarred shinobi.

"I- I'm sorry, jounin-san," he mumbled, looking away. The kunai fell on the ground as he tried to stop his body from shaking.

Kakashi could not believe this. That was the only reaction the boy had. A mumbling, as if he was not even there, had not realised he almost had kill someone. "I don't remember chunnins being this efficient," he said flattly.

But there was no reaction. It did not even stir anything, no look. No shouting back he was used to when he tried to shake some sense into that kind of people.

"Kunais are no toys, you know?" No answers, the chunnin did not seem to even hear a thing. He sat there, in the dirt, looking at nothing. Kakashi sighed. He made himself a mental note to keep a close look on that one.

As he made his way back to his memorial stones, a trembling voice made itself heard, "I... know." So, the chunnin could speak.

When the jounin turned around, one of the boy's friend was beside him, the one with his right eye hidden behind dark hair. "Are you alright?" he asked with worries, a hand on his left shoulder. The chunnin said nothing, instead nodding to the question.

Kakashi nodded to himself. Yeah, he was going to be alright, because he had someone who knew what he was going through. He would have to remember to give the Hokage a visit. He suddenly needed a mission break for a little while.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As weeks went by, Kakashi would be at his place every morning if he could, unless he had been called on missions. The chunnin boy was there too, every morning, all day long, unless one of his friends - lately spiky - would come most of the time to pick him up when one of them could.

Since the first encounter, they had not spoke furthermore, not even acknowledge one another. The ponytail haired shinobi would look at his tombstone, lost and hollow, still looking as sick as ever, and Kakashi would look at his. But he had decided to study his knew cemetery companion.

Therefore, he had discover that his skin should have been way darker than this white bordering yellow color it had. That his hair should have been longer by the time he had started coming here; on the contrary, they never seemed to grow. His scarred nose had been twitching sometimes, maybe because of the pollen from the flowers surrounding them. At least, he had gained a few pounds, his gaunt cheeks were fuller than the first time he had spoke to him.

And it was by one of his blatantly studying time - which meant for Kakashi to keep staring at the chunnin for long minutes, grumbling something to himself, and then looking back at him for another rows of long minutes - that the dolphin finally stared back at him one morning, after another row of weeks.

The scarecrow waved his hand in a greeting motion, and got a nod from the dolphin as an answer, before the head turned again. It was a good beginning, Kakashi noted to himself. And it went like this for a month. They would meet now almost at the same time. The chunnin was coming to their place not as soon as he used too, but instead at Kakashi's time.

Then, when one of them would see the other, they would nod as a greeting, before sitting respectfully at their place, until Kakashi usually left. The silence was not awkward, but there was something that could not be said for now. An understanding, a feeling that went between the two of them. 

The hot weather had not really settled this year, but Kakashi preferred it this way; the cold season was already settling slowly and comfortably. The tree that used to give them some shades on sunny days was losing its leaves, and the earth was getting firmer under their foot. He held his arms glued to his chest while paying respect to Obito, Rin and Minato, hiding his freezing hands in his pockets, uselessly trying to keep them warm.

The cold wind ruffled Kakashi's hair: Minato was right, as always. He sighed, and from the corner of his eye he saw his companion tense slightly at the sound. Better talking now than never.

"I've got to go. Mission." The boy said nothing. "Just wanted to let you know."

The ponytail wavered as the chunnin nodded. "Thank you," he said slowly. Nothing had lit up in his eyes nor his face - hell, he had not even looked at him, - but Kakashi heard something in the hoarse voice. Something that seemed to be recognition.

Kakashi left, waving him goodbye from one of his hand in a lazy way, his slouched walking reinforcing his trading mark.

***

"So, Iruka, you made a friend, I heard," the Hokage said in a casual rumbling voice. "Sit, please."

The chunnin took seat in front the Kage's desk, gazing at it without seeing it. Sarutobi took a puff from his pipe, letting it slowly rolled into his mouth, savoring the flavour before releasing it slowly. He saw Umino brows slowly furrowed.

"I... guess."

"Hmm. And how are you feeling lately?" The young shinobi said nothing and looked through the window instead. "You still haven't drink any tea," Hiruzen kept on, approaching the shinobi as if everything was normal.

Iruka stared back at the green little cup that was in front of him. He had not remember there had been tea, but he raised it with shaking hands to his nose, hesitant, sniffing the yellow beverage. Floral smell with a touch of vanilla. 

Sarutobi chuckled. "Don't worry, Iruka." He refrained himself from sighing, from finishing his last sentence with: "Nothing has been put in it," so he would not awaken some vicious memories to the chunnin. Instead he smiled a smile that he hoped being comforting as the tea was drank with small sips. Sandaime had read the written report of the mission; it had been the last thing Iruka had done before going into depression.

He was not entirely sure what should be done, and tried to be respectful. So, when Iruka entered his office, he took his time before asking the young man to sit, as he waited patiently for him to made his own move. But as he had read in the psych eval report, and from what shinobis from his entourage had tell, Umino was in no condition to make any choice of his own.

"If you ever need to talk, Iruka, I'm here." A nod, but nothing to show that he had truly understood what had been said. That was what hurt the most. The brown expressive eyes now dull and empty of anything. There was no life, only death.

A knock on the door broke the silence, and a small grey haired man wearing a white uniform entered the dim lit room. Standing at a respectful distance from the desk, slightly behind Iruka, he bowed to the Hokage. The leader nodded his head in a greeting.

"There's your psych eval, Iruka." Without any words other than another bow from the psych evaluator, they opened the door to leave. "I was happy to see you again." That was the only thing that made Iruka hesitate, turning his head for a second, before walking outside the room.

As the old man was left alone with his numerous stacks of papers and scrolls, he scratched his head, thinking. To say that he was surprised when Hatake Kakashi came to see him, asking for some time off to help a 'friend', was not even close to what he truly felt. Astonished, that was more the word.

In fact, he also felt satisfied. One of his strongest shinobi was finally starting to let himself go from his time in ANBU. Sarutobi had to ask who it was, to make such a difference in the eyes of the young soldier in front of him.

"I don't know him, truth be said." Grey brows rising made him correct his saying. "Well, I know of him that he is mostly like I, huh, used to be back then, Hokage-sama. Which makes me feel obligated to do something for him." Kakashi left out the fact that he had almost killed him. It was not necessary to know that part, for now.

"Therefore you're asking me to keep you off mission duties, to help someone you think seems like you, for how much time?" Sarutobi had a hard time hiding his disbelieve. Kakashi, asking for some time off duty?

If Kakashi bristled, he did not show, his ever lone eye showed indifference. "As much time can be given, Hokage-sama," he said, bowing his head.

"Hmm." Sarutobi said nothing more, rummaged through some papers, thinking.

The only fact that Hound had come to him to speak of such matter showed that there was some progress on his part. Sticking him to genin teams was not working for now, but if that was, it was a beginning. Through all this mess, he could see a ray of hope for both of them.

"Alright," he had slowly answered, judging the silver haired soldier in front of him. For his twenty-three years, he seemed older as he stood in front of him, his posture right and stiff, as if he was actually accepting a mission. Maybe he was, in fact. "I must say, however, that I'm rather surprised of your demand, Hatake. But as soon as you will be needed, you'll have to be back on missions."

"I understand."

"You can take your leave, someone will fill the necessary documents for that."

A bow meant as a good-bye, and before Sharingan no Kakashi passed the door, Sarutobi had to ask, "At least, what does he look like?"

"A ponytail haired chunnin, nose scarred with wide brown eyes. Sick skin, no signs he his mentally here." Just as a clinical point of view would have been given, just like a mission.

"Thank you."

If Kakashi found it weird for such a question, he left it at that. Shinobis knew that their leader had some cards up his sleeves.

"Iruka, you found yourself a good friend indeed," Sandaime said to himself, taking a puff from his pipe, smiling to the ceiling.

***

The rain made the branches slippery, and if it was not for their chakra footing through the forest, Kakashi and Genma would have gone slower in their journey. It had been a week now that they were going north, following the trace of those missing nins that had stolen the scroll from a team of leaf shinobis.

"We're getting closer. I can smell them," Hatake explained to Shiranui.

"The rain's not helping," stated Genma, passing a hand through his plastered hair. Kakashi's ninkens had lost the trail a few hours back. "At least, there's only two left."

"Hn."

They leapt into silence a few miles further. They had been able to kill three of the mist ninjas that had showed off, an ambush the rain made hard to prevent. They had lost one of their comrade, some young jounin that had affinity with water and used to make it easier. It was supposed to be an easy retrieving scroll mission, but everything was going wrong.

Kakashi took hold of his left ribs as he crouched to an halt on a sturdy branch, trying to breath. He had tried everything to keep his comrade alive, taking a kunai to his left side and a blow to the his head that resulted in a concussion.

"We have to make sure they do not set off farther from our borders. Right now, we are able to keep them in fire country with our traps, but not for long," started Kakashi, voicing facts with a strict professional tone. Hound voice, Genma noted.

"I know. From what my clone gathered, they don't know what to do about the scroll. I think they are trying to get their honor back. It's time to cut the chase off, want to get home sooner than later."

"Me too." Kakashi kept a face of indifference when Genma eyebrows rose. "Stop it, and let's go."

For his part, Shiranui was surprised. He had not remembered Hatake Kakashi, the Hound ex-ANBU, to want anything more than to be on a mission. Since when was he asking to go home?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Kouta Kyoshi looked down at his pad, scribbled some notes, before looking up at Umino Iruka again. The man was nineteen, but looked older than his age. As a psychnin for Konoha, Kyoshi had seen many shinobis broken because of missions. He could not blame them, not all of the ninjas were cut out for the job of a life time. His duty was to make them fit again, for the rest of their lives, if possible.

The sunken, dead eyes were one of someone who was hoping to die anytime soon, nightmares replayed every seconds before them, scarring him in ways that would be hard to sew back. His slumped, gaunt body told easily that he was not eating properly even after two months, added to greasy hair and a faint smell of sweat; the hygiene was the last thing that could be bothering Iruka on earth at that moment.

The doctor scratched his forehead. He had to get him out of those living nightmares, but the young man was not answering many questions. They had meetings two times a week, and mostly they had talk very little of what was pledging the shinobi. But Kouta knew that it would take time, and maybe never would he get past this point.

When he was younger, he had hope to save everyone, to help them get the better of themselves so they could be back on duty. But the passing time never truly helped some of them who had to stop being ninjas; other went back on the job, but always to come back again, broken deeper. Few of them ever got better, and Kouta was sure he could count them on his fingers. A shinobi was broken from the start, he had learned it the hard way.

At least, he had obtain good news from the Hokage and the surveillance he had put on him - because a depressive shinobi could be dangerous, even more if he was a chunnin or a jounin. You had to put some people to check on them, just in case they would try to kill someone purposely or by accident. Somehow, Kouta knew that this young man, through his bad luck in life, had found some true friend in the from of Hatake Kakashi. Even if the friendship was hard to tell.

He had treated Hatake in his early ages, between the deaths of his friends, Uchiha Obito, Rin and his renowned sensei Yondaime. The man, even if he was now functioning with almost no more psych evals, was doing good, even known for keeping his teammates from certain death. On the other hand, it was still one thing that was hard to decipher: the constant sacrifice the scarecrow was putting out in the field could be his resent for his fallen teammates. Still, he could work properly.

He cleared his throat, adjusting his glasses. "How has been the last days, Iruka?" He saw the body slumped even more. "Would you like to talk about it?"

There was hesitation and fear, but also questioning, "I... I think there’s a friend..."

"Really?" kouta asked, almost faking the surprise. He had thought that the chunnin would not talk. It had not been that long since he had started treating him: responses to the medication was good, but there was few words said, even if there had been some altercations in the past due to violent reactions by different triggers.

A side glance to the psychnin, his fists tightening and loosening constantly. "Well, I... guess... I mean, how could he accept me, after what I've done..."

The words were lost as the chunnin's head lolled down, and tears stroke his cheeks as fast as they had come right after the words were spoken. Sobs engulfed the words, and Kouta said nothing more. His chakra went to Umino, coaxing the young ninja's, twined with it.

However helpful it was to make him understand his patients, it made him also very vulnerable from his own demons. Pictures of falling comrades, of dying children he could not keep from death, his wife and unborn child at the village gates. Keep it at bay and focus on your patient, his mind kept telling him. He was used to it, he was used to it. Was not he ?

Nothing more was said from the entire meeting; Kyoshi knew that at least there was a breach made for him. The perilous work was ahead.

***

Kakashi limped to the memorial stone heavily. It had been a week now that his injuries had been treated, but he had still a hard time walking to see his friends. He needed to see them all, the dead ones and the living one.

Could he call him a friend?

"Hey," said a throaty voice.

Kakashi looked up, and smiled both from his eye and his masked lips to the chunnin a few steps away. "Hey," he simply answered. Yes, he could.

The chunnin said nothing more, and kept to his memorial stone. Kakashi was still surprised, the boy had talk. It was simple words, but it was words. Yet, no remark was said from his damaged state, nor did Hatake said a thing about Iruka state.

It had been almost a month since he had last seen him, but he was able to see ameliorations. The chunnin had a better complexion, he was less bony, though his hair were still a mess; the scarecrow knew better, since his were at least worse, partly because he had took no shower before coming over the cemetery, and partly because they were hard to keep in order, even greasy like this.

Inside of him, he had been scared to find the worse once he would reach the village, to be back learning there had been a chunnin who had kill someone. Somewhere, a small part of him swelled with pride to know that the boy had not kill.

"Sorry it took me some time to come back." Why was he saying that? He had nothing to give back to that gaunt boy.

The dolphin shrugged, and looked back at him with hesitance. Iruka said no words, but Kakashi controlled himself to not make his eyes widen suddenly: brown orbs, expressive orbs talked to him, saying some kindness, or some longing, he was not sure. Reading people outside life-or-death situation was not his forte, since he usually did not care to know any people around him anymore outside of his job.

Yet, Kakashi had never felt he had to give something back to someone, not since Rin's death, some two years after Obito's one. And something inside of him was seeking for that boy's redemption, even if he was a complete stranger. 

For Umino, there was finally a little ray of light that had pointed the tip of its nose. And his eyes - if his mind could not do the job - spoke for him. Because of who he was at that moment, in those years, his mouth never had spoke what he truly meant, and rarely his eyes had not followed this conduct.

Something was changing for the better, both of them knew. And so, they both looked back at their stones, one grimly looking at his, the other smirking to his.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Winter was biting hard, very hard that year, reminding them he was still there. Rin would still be laughing at him, he knew. His winter gear was not proper for that season, and his toes hurt just as his fingers were. However, he did not hear her as much as he used to lately. The wind was quieter, as the voices were.

Usually, winter was hotter than this excruciating weather they had in Fire country. Somehow, mother nature had decided to make them pay somehow. Kakashi glanced at his friend, wondering how he could stay stiller than him. He was known to be a stoic, lazy, perverted jounin in all Konoha; surprisingly, the chunnin, however he was doing this, was faring better than him through the cold to stay as stoic as he usually did.

"How can you stand like this?" A quick surprised glance answered him, which gave a less scary look to Iruka; his still gaunt features were emphasized by the dark circles under his eyes. "It's freaking cold, don't you think?"

They had not really started to talk, but now they were asking each other how they were. From time to time, the chunnin would answer with a very small smile, other times he would shrug. Surprisingly today, Kakashi felt talkative, and Iruka was too.

"Huh... Yeah?" the chunnin simply answered, looking down at the ground. One of his hand took a hold of his red scarf he was wearing, as he seemed to be thinking about what he had been told, and what he had answered.

Kakashi smiled to himself. "Well, she's not laughing at last," he mumbled.

"What?" asked Iruka after a while. When Kakashi looked back at him, he had move three steps - he could count because of the imprinted snow behind the boy, - and was now standing at what could be called midway from his memorial stone to Kakashi's. "What... did you say?"

Inside of him, Kakashi was wondering what had pushed the chunnin to ask. It had been almost six months now, six months of relative silence, 'hi's and 'hello's, 'how are you's and stuff. "Just that none of them would laugh at me this time," he calmly answered, showing his tombstones with a move from his head.

Umino just looked at him, stared as if he did not exist. "Oh," he simply said after a while, then looked at his feet.

It took Kakashi four steps to reach the side of the boy. Well, now that he was leaning on one of the memorial stone near him, he could tell that he was almost his height. Still a boy.

"Does someone talk to you, here?" It seemed silly to ask at that moment, why did he? Mostly because there was not any other to talk to and he did not feel like asking personal questions; he was not a privy person. If it seemed weird, he could still put it on his no sharingan persona.

"Not much...." Kakashi raised his eyebrow. He was used to being talked to by his friends, and the fact that the boy was coming over every day to one tombstone without having much talk with whoever it was buried down the earth was strange. The dolphin shook a little, rolled his eyes before saying in a throaty voice, "Mom and Dad at best...."

"Hmm." He said nothing more, and simply stood side by side, shaking slightly together. The scarecrow could not tell if it was because they were both cold, or if the chunnin was shaking because of some grief, his red rimmed eyes spoking for himself.

Strangely, Iruka felt something weird inside of him mixed with the pain he felt since so long now. Something he had not felt since a long time. He could not say much of what it was, but he knew it was because that silver haired man by his side seemed to understand him, even if silence was mostly his answer.

***

A soft knock was heard on the door, and Iruka slowly rose from his couch and went to open it. A dark haired shinobi stood before him, eyes circled and shoulder slightly slumped.

Izumo was surprised for a second before he smiled back at the apartment host, righting his posture."Huh, hi, Iruka!"

"Hi." Simple, easy, just as Kouta-sensei had said. Easy words, easy answers, easy questions. That was enough for now; he just had to go with how he was feeling.

"I, huh, was wondering if you wanted company for tonight?" Because there was no move and no invitation to get inside, he laughed nervously. "It wasn't easy for you lately, and Ko' and I are here for you. I brought you some food."

"Thanks." Iruka let the door opened, carelessly looking as Izumo stumbled through the entrance with his bags. He went back sitting on his couch, looking at an empty space on the wall, between two pictures that had been hung there before.

"Ko' told me you were feeling better lately," chatted Izumo happily has he closed the door, before storing the food and the kitchen ware. "You still go see her?"

For more than two months now, Kotetsu and him had stopped retrieving Iruka from the grieving place as they slowly saw him taking better care of himself. Well, he was still not taking his shower properly, still waiting days between each, and he was not clearly feeding himself, but they could give him some space to work. They would come to watch from day to day when they could between missions.

Iruka took a short breath before he could answer a skittish 'yes' to Izumo, who did not let him dwell to much on his state of mind. "How's your jounin friend?" Iruka's eyes lighted at the question.

"He's hurt. Mission, you know..." There was pain as he said the words, his hand clenching shut, his eyes lowering down at the floor, his body closing to everything that was around him.

Yet, Izumo found it important, since he was at least feeling something, expressing himself; It had been a while they had known nothing more than a corpse of what Iruka could once have been. But he could not let him dwell on the past more than that. "Hey, you wanna eat ramen?"

"Yeah," he said slowly, feeling his stomach grumble. Lately, he was starting to know when he was hungry, and he knew what he wanted to eat. Well, mostly ramen lately, but, at least, the food did have taste again.

As Izumo busied himself with the kitchen, Iruka sat on the chair and observed his friend work. He knew that the fatigue Izumo showed was linked to him. Both of his friend were trying to help him the best they could with everything. Events were still a blur in his mind, but he knew if it had not been for them, Iruka would have not made it this far for now. Somehow, he was working hard to keep living, to understand what had been life before _it_ happened.

And, strangely, the companionship he had developed with the pale looking jounin helped. He had not search to know his name, nor his friends had tried to know it either. In a part of his mind, Iruka thought that if he did not know him more than that, everything would go for the best. Because when he grew too attached to someone, he ended up hurting them.

"Here. I hope you'll like it."

"Thanks," mumbled Iruka, looking at the bowl in front of him. He had to eat, it was part of living, he kept telling himself. His parents had told him the other day, had not they? "He told me that he heard his friends speak to him."

"What?" munched Izumo through a mouth full of ramen. He and Ko' kept living as if everything was alright around and about Iruka. If they were themselves around him, they hoped it would help him grasping somehow to reality.

"The jounin. He- he said that his," he gestured vaguely in front of him, hoping that his dark haired friend would catch the message, "well, his friends talk to him..."

"Huh... I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say here." Iruka deflated, and Izumo was afraid he would stop talking again. "You mean, his deceased friends?" he added carefully, watching Iruka intently.

He nodded slowly, breathing harder at the words. It was hard for him to acknowledge the idea of death, that _she_ was dead. Because of him. "She... she’s not speaking..." he whispered.

Izumo eyes widened slowly, realizing what Iruka was saying. "Hey, whatever it is, it’s not your faul." Iruka shrugged, but he was not listening anymore, lost somewhere in his head.

All in all, he was not sure how he was supposed to take this bit of information. He had lost friends in the past, he still lost some on his duties everyday, but never to such an extent of what his friend had experienced.

"Your ramen are getting cold, Iruka."

But no movement were registered on his part, and it was with empty eyes that he stared at his bowl without seeing it.

The pain was unbearable. His ragged breath was not giving him enough oxygen, his head spinning madly both from the torture and the lack of air in his lungs. He wanted to scream, but his throat had long give up the idea of letting a sound come out properly. Only what seemed like the cry of an teared up animal came out.

"That's enough. We are going to lose him if we keep going on," said a rough voice.

He hissed as he felt the blade being pulled out of his body, a wound that they knew would not be deadly, but at least hurtful. All his body screamed in agony, his skin burning and bleeding, swelled. His brain was triggering endlessly, knowing that he had been drugged with some toxins, at least one that tried to make him talk.

He heard them leave, closing the door, leaving him chained. In the dark, humid place, he tried to move in a better position, only to end up even more uncomfortable. He took some laboured breath, fighting the poisons and toxins invading his body and mind. He had been trained, he could sustain it.

"Ruka! Ruka, talk to me!"

Grunting, he looked at the badly beaten kunoichi chained to the facing wall. "I'm... I'm good." Good, in fact, he could still lie.

"Stay with me, please," she whimpered. "I would never leave you, Ruka."

Was it true? She was not there. She was not talking to him anymore. Only his parents' voice, never her’s could be heard. He felt arms encircling him.

"I'm sorry, I should have trust you..." he whispered somberly.

"Shh, it's okay," hushed a soft voice. Izumo was there, he knew. He knew how he had messed up. "She must know, somehow, that you did everything that you could, ‘Ru."

Did she? She was not talking to him, not in the same way his memorial stone friend's friends talked.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Iruka seated in front of the Hokage’s desk, and for the first time in months he truly saw him. He was still old and white haired, smoking heavily and still working as hard as ever. Stack of papers threatened to fall, and many opened scrolls kept from seeing the old wooden desk he was working on.

Playing with his hands, Iruka fiddled with his own thoughts. "Hokage-sama," he started slowly, "I need to talk." He felt stupid, extremely stupid for being in front of his superior and asking for some attention.

The silence stretched to an unbearable level for the young man, and he looked at the ground. Had not Sandaime said that if he needed to talk, he could come to him?

"I am listening, Iruka," said Hiruzen, showing patience. He had saw how embarrassed Umino was, and somewhere inside of him, he was happy that he had come to him. Something told him this would be one of the countless time they would surely talk together.

"Sir, I, huh, wondered if there would be any charges held against me."

Sarutobi rose one eyebrow, his lips pressed in a thin line. "To be honest with you, Iruka, there might be some possibilities." He saw the chuunin pale and clutch his arm chair with his shaking hands. "However, I doubt there will be any procedures that will be taken."

"I- I would completely understand if there is, Hokage-sama," rushed the dolphin, staring back at him. "I have- I have kill," he took a deep breath, shuddering as he said the words, closing his eyes seconds before opening them again, "a shinobi of the leaf. Sanctions can be-"

"Iruka, your situation was a perilous one, and what happened back there need to be studied. You cannot be held responsible for your actions, since they took place under dire circumstances." The chuunin looked away. Was there deception in his eyes? wondered Hiruzen. "You are not to blame in this, shinobi. You are not the first to whom it happened before.

"Furthermore," he rose, moving to some library before picking a wide book, looking through the pages,"she had no more family since the Kyuubi attack, other than a five year old little brother, as you must be aware."

"Atsuko Ichiro."

"Exact. And because of his age, I doubt there will be repercussions." A knock on the door was heard, and the Hokage sighed. "I hope this will help you, Iruka. I have to attend an other meeting now."

The young man seemed struck, but he stood up and bowed. "Thank you for your time, Hokage-sama."

"Iruka, feel free to come back." Sarutobi Hiruzen was rewarded with a timid smile.

And now, he had to deal with the orphanage and Uzumaki Naruto again.

***

Kakashi looked at the psych eval standing in front of him. The man had got old within the years: his caramel colored hair were now grey, and his face had more wrinkles than he had remember.

"You are late, Kakashi," chided Kouta, his lips pressed in a thin line.

"You're getting old, Kouta-sensei," he replied, waving his hand as a 'hello'.

Kyoshi seemed not faze by the statement, his nonchalant eyes studying the documents attached to the pad he had in hands. "As you have grown. Please, sit."

As the silver haired jounin gingerly sat on the chair, he looked out how the office had changed over the years. The ever old green walls had gave their place to a burned orange paint, and more plants had took place between piles of books and various libraries. There was less prizes and sanctioned papers shown than the first years he came here, he noted.

However, the room was still as hot as back then, the first summer he had spent his time there. The hot season this year promised to be intense on the weather.

"It's been a while, I've seen. Almost a year and a half now, my papers tell me."

"I know, been busy and all with duties and stuff."

"Tea?" A shrugged. "And how is life?" He poured himself some deep colored spicy tea in a blue little cup, added sugar.

"Outside ANBU, you mean?" Nonchalant grey eyes dared nonchalant blue eyes.

"If you want it to mean that, Kakashi," came the elusive answer. He had not change through the years, noted again the jounin.

"Well, not much, same old. Genins who do not understand teamwork. Though, there's an interesting chuunin."

"What kind of interesting?" he asked, before taking a sip of his tea.

"As a friend. He's not much talkative, for now, but he's getting better at it. He's strong enough to be jounin."

"What's his name?"

"Boy."

"Boy?" He stared at Kakashi, perplexed.

"He's young, and I don't need his name. When I know someone's name, they become too close, and usually die," he said grimly, as a matter-of-fact.

Kouta was not sure if Hatake was making fun of him. "And why is that, Kakashi?"

"Maa, who knows, sensei? Obito, Rin, Yondaime..." he trailed off.

The psych eval stayed silent for a moment, sipping his tea. "What about the other shinobis you go on mission with. There must some of them with whom you work a lot."

"True," he replied.

"Maybe you should ask him when you feel ready. You know the true reason you're not asking his name." The jounin said nothing, looking at the psychnin scribbling notes on his papers. "I wonder, though, what makes you so drawn to this ‘Boy’? Why do you want to help him?"

Kakashi eyed the window, resting his head in a lazy way in his hand. "Because he can kill someone if there is no help. It has happened in the past. Losing comrades on a mission can affect us more than what we think, don't you agree, sensei?"

The aging doctor said nothing, clasped his hands, and sighed. "You are right. You understand things that are not much understood by people of your age. You've grown through war, at a young age."

"And your chakra twined with mine is also telling me a lot," said the scarecrow with a smile.

Kouta chuckled. "Alright," he stated, pulling back his chakra to himself, "our meeting time is over, since you've made sure you would only stay for at least twenty minutes. I'll see you again in a year, and, this time, make sure to be there on time. The Hokage wants me to broach larger subjects than such little talk."

"Maa, sensei, to you, we never talk that much."

And before Kyoshi could say anything more, the jounin waved a 'good bye', and leapt off by the window through which he had come from. He sighed, and simply put an approving seal on the documents; this shinobi was still able to operates on the field.

***

Kotetsu looked at his lover from the corner of his eye, swaying his legs lazily from the arm of the couch. Izumo was cooking something that smelled delightful at their little kitchenette. From his point of view, he could see a nice looking ass.

"You should sit properly on the couch, Ko'. Your going to break it."

He humph’ed at the comment, feeling scolded as if he was a child. "But I'm bored, because my boyfriend won't take care of me," he pouted.

Izumo looked back at him, eyes narrowed playfully, pointing his spatula at him. "Huh, as if feeding said bored boyfriend wasn't taking care of him."

"But it's not the same!"

A mumbled whatever could be heard, and Kotetsu kept his sigh for himself, simply rose from the couch in a defeated way and took care to put the table on. He let the subject drop, knowing that the message would be ignored. It had been hard on both of them since the last months, and lately they were fighting more than anything.

Sure, they had to be there for Iruka, but Kotetsu was worrying for his boyfriend. Izumo had been taking care so much for their little dolphin that he was beginning to forget about himself, and at the same time, themselves. His tensed muscles and circled eyes both showed how he was stretching his wellbeing to an extent that was only worse.

"Where have 'Ruka gone? Weren't we suppose to eat with him tonight?"

"To see the Hokage," explained Izumo, setting the dishes to each place, "they are going to talk about going back on the field."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

The spiky haired chuunin poked at his food, before laughing at his brown haired boyfriend sheepishly when he felt annoyed eyes looking at him. "Sorry, no playing with food, I know. Anyway, do you think he’ll go back to field duty?"

Izumo looked at his bowl for a moment, shoulder slumping, rubbing his tired eyes. While eating a piece of fish, he mumbled, "No, don’t think so.”

“I see,” he whispered, his lips becoming a thin line.

Izumo’s brows furrowed. “So? It's been almost a year now, he's done a lot of progress, but he is not apt to make any life-or-death decision,” he replied with a taut voice.

"No wonder. He would choose death for sure as it is," he deadpanned instinctively, without registering what had just escaped from his mouth.

"Ko', don't say stuff like that!" snapped back the other man, pushing back his chair, angrily gesturing toward Kotetsu. "Haven't you seen how hard he tries to get better? To not feel like some dead weight to us?"

Hagane reached for his boyfriend who strode past him, but he was shoved back. "Zu', I'm sorry, that's not what I meant!" A slammed door was the only answer he got. Ruffling his hair, he rose tiredly from his chair. “Stupid, Kotetsu. Stupid.”

“Look, I’m sorry,” he started, once he knocked gently on their bedroom door. "Zu', please, listen to me." He heard no response.

He peeked through the door, opening it slowly. His boyfriend was sitting on their bed, his back to him. "What do you want."

"To talk."

"About dying friends?" The red puffy glare he was shoot at made him hissed silently.

He stood in the entryway, crossing his arms on his chest. "I’ve told you I'm sorry. You know what I meant, between us you’ve got the analytical brain. It's just- It's obvious. I just pointed out some facts."

"Well, next time, don't." Izumo heard his lover sigh, his weight making a dent in the mattress, while his hand stroke his back tenderly.

“It’s just... I’m tired, and you are too. I didn’t think before speaking."

“Hmm.” He let arms encircled him, giving into the embrace, stroking them absentmindedly. “It would have been their wedding in two months, you know?" He shut his eyes as he felt a soft kiss on his temple.

"I know. She would have been Mrs. Umino."


	6. Chapter 6

A year ago, that same day, the weather had been surprisingly cold. This time around, he was wondering what on earth could make this sun shine so hard. He wondered if he gave Pakkun enough water until he come back. Well, he would just have to go back to his homeplace if there was any problem, a summoning justsu never lasted that much long.

The chuunin boy was late today, which was unusual. For a year now, they had grown accustomed to each other, and had entered what could be called a pattern. Even lately, the ponytail haired shinobi would even smile and talk to him about little things. Principally about his two chuunin friends who stood with him from time to time at the memorial stone.

He looked at his memorial stones a few steps away from him. Since the day Umino had walked toward him, they had stood at this midway place between their memorial stones, standing in companionable silence together. Days where the jounin had to leave for missions, he would tell the chuunin, and the other would ask him to come back safe. He was talkative.

Steps could be heard, and he turned toward the two figures that stood at a respecticve distance. It was Iruka's friend. He waved an 'hello', closing the new book he had bought and walked toward them.

"He won't be coming today," said the spiky haired one. Kakashi noted how they were standing close to each other, and saw how puffy the eye of the brown haired one was. "He wanted us to tell you."

Through his aloof look, he didn't seemed faze at all by the statement, but inside of him he was racking for a better explanation. "Okay. I'll still be there."

They were surprised, the jounin could tell. He waved 'good bye', walking back to his tombstones, and started reading is book again. The two chuunins muttered something, before leaving the same way they had arrived.

The jounin sighed. He had not realized how much these morning meetings with the boy affected him. Now, he did not have anything to do. And since Obito, Rin and Yondaime were silent even after apologizing for nearly an hour, he stood up and slowly made his way to the Hokage tower.

Because, just like last year, he had to take a genin team, make them fail, and continue living the way he was now used to. Maybe for once he would not be late for the meeting. Maybe.

***

Iruka looked at the orphanage in front of him. For the last hour, he had stood in front of it, not daring to enter nor to leave. Since months he was suppose to go. Since a year he should have at least go. And now, here he was, on that day even more.

He kept himself from shaking, sighed, and did not move. Her little brother was there. A brother he should have taken care of. He did not even know if he was alright, how he had took her death and the funeral he had not been able to attend because of his wounds, but also because he did not want to.

Too buried in his own grief, he had tossed aside what could have been something like a family.

"Hey, you! Move out of the way!" scream a little voice. Umino had no time to move that he was pushed by a rushing small blond head.

Three shinobis followed up close, passing by him, before they all entered the orphanage and a chorused of yell and cry could be heard.

"Catch the brat! Common!"

"Where is he?"

Iruka shook his head, and look at the ground. He did not want to bother any of them, and he did not want to go for Atsuko Ichiro anymore. What pain would he bring the boy again? And, more importantly, would he even remember him?

As he strolled back through Konoha, he ended up at Ichiraku's. Izumo and Kotetsu were already there, waiting for him. There were not many people at this hour, in the middle of the afternoon.

"We haven't ordered yet, only some drinks," said Izumo.

"You shouldn't have waited for me," he answered. Iruka could see his friends looked as awful as he was, with circled eyes and mournful looks.

"Good afternoon, Iruka!" greeted Teuchi. "Same thing as usual?" For some time now, the chuunin had come regularly to the ramen stand, having eaten mostly only noodle soup lately. He had no mood for eating anymore than this.

"Yeah, please. Three bowls," he said as his friends nodded at him.

As Teuchi left happily, Kotetsu leaned forward him. "So, how's it been? Ow," he recoiled as Izumo smack him on the head.

"I didn't go..." Iruka looked at the table in shame as both of them tried to conceal their deceived look. "I know, I said I would, but then, what if I hurt him even more? What if he does not remember me?"

They said nothing. It was a crappy day, they all felt like it. As their orders were placed in front of them, they ate in silence. Iruka was not hungry, but eating was part of living. And especially today, he had to live for her. Because even if day by day the pain slowly went away, the three of them knew that he would have married her.

He would have married her, but instead he had killed her. For her sake, was not it? He could not tell anymore, and it just hurt each time he breath. The world spun around him. Why was he still alive? He was the one who should die from his action. He had made a bad decision.

Unable to keep his thought in control, it was too much. He left his friends without a word, teleporting himself in his apartment. He doubt they even protested, but they were the ones who had tried to still make him do something on _that_ day.

Vomiting in his toilet felt good, and, curled up on his bed, the afternoon went in a blur. He forced himself to not look at her clothes that were still folded in the drawers and the closet. Those were the last remnants he had not been able to take care of. Well, pictures and breakable objects had been easy to destroy in a fit of rage against himself, hating everything he was, but clothes tended to remember him of her with a vivid pain.

If someone knocked on the door, he did nothing to answer it, and simply let them go. Each time he fell asleep, he would instantly wake up in a shock, jumping and trembling. He did not see the sun letting place to the night, as the apartment simply began to become darker and darker.

He should have at least go and see her. He should be there paying his respects. He should be there apologizing for his stupid decisions and thinking. How could he think himself as a shinobi of the leaf?

As he finally got a grasp of himself, not able to be sick anymore and even stand in _their_ apartment, he went to the last place he could think of. There, in the middle of the night, looking at her memorial stone, holding himself tightly as he choked on his breath. His cheeks were wet, and there was nothing he could do to make the pain go away. All his body shook from head to toe, partly because of the cold ground on which he was kneeled on, partly because he could not control anything he was feeling.

A gentle gloved hand touch his shoulder, and Iruka simply leaned into the sitting shinobi. He had no need to see who it was, he knew just by the twining chakra. He knew that the silver haired jounin understood his pain. The pain of losing someone you loved deeply.

And he simply hold him until needed.

***

"She was important to you, was she?"

Iruka shrugged at the question, rubbing his eyes. "Yeah... we would... have gotten married today."

"I'm sorry to hear."

Silence took place. They had gone back to their midway place in the cemetery. The night was chilly, and they could see the stars perfectly from their place.

"You have lost a lot of people, have you?" Iruka dared ask.

"Hmm, I have," he simply answered.

"How... How can you keep going on? How can you live?"

Kakashi took a moment to himself. It was not a question he felt he could properly answer. He had come back to the cemetery because Obito had asked him, only to find the boy desperate figure alone in the dark. He had intertwined his chakra, like Kouta-sensei had done with him, but he was no Kouta-sensei.

"I... It took time. There is no easy answer, I'm sorry."

The truth was that Kakashi had fled his problems at first. He had lost Rin in such a short time between Obito's death, somewhere between his thirteen or fourteen birthday. And somewhere through his sixteen, he had lost their sensei. It was enough for him to seek death as a shinobi - even if it was unconsciously - with the ANBU squadron.

But he never failed any mission, and after three and a half years of ANBU, Sarutobi had took him out of it – partly because he was obliged to, partly because Kakashi had silently ask his leader to take him out of it. There was time for each thing, as it seemed, and he was ready to finally move on.

"It's- It's hard. She's not... She's not talking to me like my parents do..." Kakashi seemed surprised, to what Iruka could tell by seeing such little features. "She must resent me for what I've done..."

"She must be at peace," slowly said Kakashi.

"What?"

"You know, they," he explained as he pointed his memorial stones, "don't talk to me as much as they used to."

Iruka looked bewildered, taken aback. Could it be why she was not there? "They don't?"

"Maa, not since I've met you. Tonight, I came here because Obito asked me to."

And for the first time he had known him, he heard Iruka chuckled darkly, shaing his head. It was short, maybe heratic and crazy, but the chuunin had let out what he would eventually call a laugh.

"Thank you." Even through the curt answer, Kakashi knew that the chuunin did not believe much more of what he had said.

The sad smile the boy had on his face made Kakashi feel content, happy. At last, he was kind of smiling. The only thing he could do was smile back to the dolphin. And hoped that the loathing the chuunin felt against himself would one day disappear.

 


	7. Chapter 7

It took some weeks before Iruka finally was able to look at himself in the mirror again. He had thought he would be able to brush off the pain on what was suppose to be his wedding day, but to no avail. Instead, he had recoiled within himself, and hid in his home, only leaving for his meeting with his psych eval.

Talking with Kouta-sensei made slowly realized that maybe his jounin was right. Maybe she was, in fact, not resenting him for his actions. He learned with time that he was instead taking what he thought of her and projected it on himself. If he was sure she was resenting him, it was because he resented what he had done out of duty, to survive and protect what he thought was home. And there, he slowly began reconstructing who he was.

It took months, sessions and a lot of talk to finally be able to pull off some resemblance of who he used to be. He remembered slowly what he used to like, to stop his darkest thoughts of suicide and understand where it came from. He was working hard, but it was paying. Smiling to his cemetery friend, he was content that he could talk to him without fear of judgment.

"What's so interesting with these books," he asked, scratching his scar.

Kakashi looked up to him, his lone eye happily plissed, "Maa, they are written by a friend of mine. It is only by respect that I read them."

Iruka chuckled, a still very small chuckle. "Well, it's the third time I see you read that one in particular. I think you like those orange books." He felt happy. It had been a while he had not felt that way.

"Maybe... Sometimes, those sappy moments right before the good fun kind of pull at me a little."

Iruka timidly grinned, before tightening is jacket some more. The hot summer had already gave place to some colder weather. He had yet to change into his new gear. Taking a sip of his coffee, he smiled.

"You know, I won't be here as often, anymore."

"Oh, why so?" promptly asked the silver haired jounin, staring at Iruka.

"I had several meetings lately with the Hokage and my psych eval, about what I will be doing for the next months."

"Hmm. You don't like psych evaluation? Don't look at me like that, you just made a funny face when you said it," Kakashi stated, holding his hand defensively.

"Anyway," replied Iruka with a dismissive wave of his hand, "I'm not fit for field duty, they say."

"Oh. I thought you were doing great." At the look of unbelief the chuunin gave him, he added, "Really, I'm serious. You talk now, isn't it good?"

"Huh. You know as much as me that it doesn't work that way."

As Kakashi poured more coffee in his own mug, he nodded. "I know, but sometimes you can pull the strings. I did when my psych eval didn't want me to stay more on the field."

They had started the coffee thing some weeks back now. Kakashi had brought coffee one morning, the weather not being cold enough already, but not hot enough either.

Iruka looked at him pensively, chewing his lips, before he looked back at the ground, then at his memorial stone.

"You don't want to go back." The silver haired man had said it calmly, trying to put no judgement in his word. He could understand; sometimes it was hard to go back chasing our own demons. Some people could, others could not.

"I... I really thought about it. If my misjudgment had not been that important back then, I suppose I would have gone back there. But... it's not the case, so..."

"What will you do then?" inquired Kakashi, not prying in the dolphin life. He had not talked about _it_ , and so he would not pry.

"Teaching."

"Really? I didn't thought you were the kind of person to put up with those brats!"

Iruka shook his head adamantly, timidly smiling. "Ha, I know. But I can try. I'm starting next week as an apprentice."

Already? It was fast, was not it? "Come here as much as you can, I'll be there."

"I'll come see you both," he said, staring at her place. Flowers had been respectfully placed on her grave by some friends of her. He had seen them the day before when he had left. They had not look at him, and he preferred it that way.

He had been judged too much already by some of them, pitied too much by others, and too many of them thought they understood. But they did not know what had truly happened. For them, he had let her die. Had not been able to protect her as he had promised.

"I'm sure she's happy about it, sensei," the jounin added when he saw the sad look of his chuunin, smiling at him.

Somehow, maybe it was why they had connected so easily. He had not try to tell him how to live.

***

And time had passed so fast since that day. When he had missions and had to leave for some time, he would leave one of his nindog to tell him if he was not there. Which was very often. However, the fact that they did not see each other that much anymore meant that their morning meeting were even more important than before.

They would talk a little more than usual, ask more questions than usual, and they would take more time to pay respect to their deceased friends. Actually, each got better at understanding their friends' death, and he could feel that the young man seemed to be more at peace as each day passed.

Kakashi secured the scroll in his jacket, before nodding to Asuma. They were ready to go back, the job was done. He swept the blood of his blade with some leaves, and leaped up a tree with his chakra.

The mission had gone well, they had minor injuries, and the information they had got back would be useful. Mist nins negotiations were still wary, and killing from both sides very high. At least, they were not too far from the Fire country borders.

In silence, they waited being back further into their forest before starting to talk - which took hours of hand signals and halt to be sure there were not any ambushes or enemies following them. This time, no rain made their time harder.

"So," started Asuma, breaking the silence first - because Kakashi would not, he knew, "what's up with the boy at the cemetery?"

Kakashi looked at him with bored eyes. He had not yet hidden back his sharingan. "Nothing much, Asuma. Just helping a friend."

"Oh yeah? Because you having friends is not very common, besides me and a few others. You like him, do you?"

No answer came, and Asuma smirked to himself. He was surprised when Kakashi answered, "Well, I won't deny it to you, since you're one of the closest person I know. But there's no chance anything will come out of this. The boy has some trust issues, and he has some girl in his life."

Asuma lighted up one of his cigarette. "Hn. Sorry to have brought it up."

"Maa, no harm done. It's life." They halted once again on a sturdy branch, the scarecrow crouching, analyzing his surroundings. "We have no one following, and still have maybe a couple hours before being at the gates. Care to run it up?"

"If I can be back sooner, why not? It's not as if this," he jerked his head towards the direction they had come from, "had been tiring us up."

They jumped again silently from tree to tree, before Kakashi looked up at his bearded friend. "I'm sorry for your genin team." Asuma stared off the distance, his lips pressed hard, a grim smile plastered on his face. "I heard, but I could not be there."

"I know," roughly said Asuma. "We're busy, that's our life. Kill or be killed."

"Hmm." It was part of why he never gave much chance to any of the team the Hokage tried to shove him. This generation of brats did not understand what it meant being a shinobi of the leaf.

Well he supposed that back then he did not either. At least, he had been able to pull it off and stay alive. Much to his friends dismay. So much for being tell he was a genius.

***

Snow slowly made its way on Fire country as the months passed by. Even after all the leaves had fallen, even after the ground had finally froze, the winter had not completely settled. And as Iruka waited patiently for snow to appear, he realize that it had been a while he had hoped for something. Snow, as meaningless as it could be.

"That's not meaningless, 'Ru!" indignantly said Izumo. "It's great, you should say. Because it means you’re doing better!"

"Hmm. True," simply replied Iruka, smiling at the encouragement words.

They walked slowly through Konoha, moving past civilians and shinobis actively preparing for Christmas and New Years Eve. They were stopped many times as they made their way by children and some parents who took time to simply greet him, to wish him a good Christmas and to be well.

"They seem to like you a lot at the academy. You must be doing a good job."

"Thanks," Iruka said with a sheepish smile. "I don't do many things, just help around some kids with their posture, or help the teacher with troubled ones."

Izumo studied him intently. His friend was faring well, and knew he was now able to keep his head out of the water by himself. The bags under his eyes had mostly disappeared, he had gain weight, and smiled a lot more. Showers were no longer a problem.

"So, will you buy your cemetery friend a gift for Christmas?" he asked, leaning toward his friend.

Iruka almost tripped in his own feet. "Excuse me?"

"Well, you talk a lot together since a while now."

The ponytail haired chuunin shook his head disbelievingly. His hands started shaking, but he dismissed them, hiding them in his pocket. "Where did you get that idea? From Ko'? You should stop listening to his blabbering, he's a bad influence on you."

"Ha, I know. Not my fault, he lives with me since way too long now," replied Kamizuki dramatically.

Iruka kept silent for a while, before answering ,"No, I don't feel like having any Christmas this year..." he trailed off, shrugging and kicking a rock on the street.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad." Izumo took his shopping bags with his other hand. "It's just that it's been a while since we've seen you happy."

"Look... I- I need to go." Umino felt his friend trying to hold him, but he kept going on. Inside of him, a little voice was begging him to consider the options, to not flee again, just like he had flee from Ichiro. But he did not feel ready for anything right now. He needed to be alone.

Snow finally came some days before Christmas, but Iruka was not sure he wanted it anymore. His cemetery friend had been wrapped up in missions lately, always on the go and coming back injured, leaving right after. He started feeling that maybe he was not alone to dislike this time of the year.

He had find it cute and thoughtful to be given Christmas cards and some handmade gifts by the students. He had hanged them up in his small apartment, where used to be pictures of him and her.

On Christmas morning, he did not answer when his friends knocked on the door. He simply sat on his couch, and thought about what it used to be back then, when it was easier, when he did not feel like shit most of the days.

He finally decided that it would be wiser to walk to her grave, to at least maybe have some kind of Christmas with her again, and ended up with a small pug to sit beside him.

"The boss won't be here today."

"I guessed."

"He tells you merry Christmas."

"Tell him for me, would you?" he said in a soft voice.

"Sure thing." Was it a smile the pug just did?

The place was silent, the cold was persistent. None of them moved, however.

"He doesn't like Christmas?"

"The boss? Dunno. I guess he hasn't been to a lot of festivities since them," the dog said, pointing the memorial stones on Kakashi's side.

"Oh." It made sense. "When will he be back?"

"Some weeks. I heard some nasty Mist stuff's happening again."

And by weeks, Pakkun was of short notice. It ended up being some months. When they finally truly saw each other again, the snow was melting. Iruka stood by their place Kakashi limply made his way to him. With a heavy sigh, he slouched on the ground sloppily.

"You look awful," pointed Iruka.

"I feel awful," stated Kakashi.

"How was the missions?"

"Shitty. Few of them went right, most of them went wrong," said the silver haired jounin, frowning.

"Sorry to hear that." Iruka scratched up his scar. "At least, you're helping the village."

"As you are. I only do what I've known all my life.” He grunted as he changed his position a little. “You had to adapt to something that not a lot of us is cut out to do."

It was Iruka's turn to frowned. "And why's that. Kids are not easy, but anyone can take up kids. I don't see why it should be better than putting your life on the line out there."

"Because too many of us are ready to do it, and not enough of us are fit to explain why, Sensei."

And it made sense to the dolphin. Even he saw some teachers back at the academy who were struggling with the whole idea of training children to learn how to be good shinobis. His teacher used to be like that back when he was younger.

At first, he had not understood his parents' sacrifice, not understood why it was so important to fight for a bunch of people who would never know if you died out there, alone, for their sole sake.

"True. The Will of Fire."

"Exactly," said with a smile the jounin. Enjoying his sunbath, he scratch his head lazily, before pulling out his latest Icha Icha. "So, how's been Christmas?"

"Shitty. At least your pug kept me company out here. It was cold."

"Sorry to hear."

"It's just, I was not aware the first year. This time, it was there, and my mind didn't want to let it go."

Kakashi's hand lingered on Iruka's shoulder for seconds, "Next Christmas, I'll be there." Iruka smiled back, before his eyes survey the ground again. "So, Sensei, what are you gonna teach your student? I heard that you will be starting soon on your own. You've got some little fans out there."

At the news, Umino could not help but grin. "Yeah, I know. They made me a bunch of cards for Christmas, and I had some chocolate boxes."

Kakashi brow rose up. "I see you haven't had too much of those."

He chuckled. "Really, I've been training. I need to get fit again for the teaching job. They were going easy on me at first, since they thought it would be only for a little while. But, since I truly like it, I need to take it seriously."

"Great thing, then! We'll spare one time to make sure you're fit for the job, Sensei."

Iruka dismissed him with his hands, "Oh, no, thanks. I'm not up for that anymore. Jounin standard I mean."

Kakashi just nodded at him, keeping his thoughts for himself. He knew there was much to that statement, but as he had done since all this time, he did not pry. "So, what will you teach them?"

"You know, the usual." He fiddled with his hands. "Also, to think for yourself, not just what the village ask you to be."

"Hmm?"

"Hum, it must seems weird. I mean, to not just think about the missions, to not just think about what we ask you to do, but also why. Com- Comrades are important..." The chuunin felt himself being studied intently, but he could not look at his friend's face. Had he been wrong to say what he thought?

"Yes, they are." Iruka stared at him, reserved. "A friend of mine once told me that people who let their teammates behind were worse than scum."

And as much as Iruka would have liked, he could not find himself to smile. Something snapped, and he could not breath anymore. He was scum. He had let her behind, had he not? He had abandoned her. He had gave up on her.

"Sensei, are you alright?" the scarecrow voiced his concern as he saw his brown haired friend stiffened and zone out, breathing heavily. "You know, as much as we want, sometimes we cannot save them all."

It took a while, but slowly, Iruka came back. He said nothing, but the jounin understood that he had triggered something that was painful for him. Well, it had been painful for him a while too.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be hard on you."

"No, no. It- It's okay..." As he was raising, Kakashi's hand stop him.

"You are right, though. Shinobis should think outside of the mission parameters, and understand what's truly important." Iruka said nothing, and stared at him long enough to make him think that maybe he had triggered something again.

"Thanks," was the only thing the chuunin could mumble, before leaving.

Nicely done, Kakashi.

***

He was first afraid that his chuunin would resent him for what had been said. The fact that they did not see each other as much as he wanted did not help this idea. He was wrong, however. When they finally were able to catch up again, Umino was the one who first said sorry.

The scarecrow had a hard time understanding why, because he had been the one hurting him, but Iruka had been adamant that it was an unjustified reaction from him, and he was sorry that he still reacted that way sometimes.

"Maa, it's no problem, really, sensei. Everyone can have a hard time dealing with his own past."

And they kept it at that. They would still talk as much as before, if not even more. Sometimes, Iruka would relapse and leave hastily, other times he would be alright. The triggers were not as harmful as they used to be, and with time he could dwell with more difficult subjects.

One morning, he was able to ask about Obito. Kakashi had wondered a long time why he had not ask the first time he had said his name. Yet, Iruka was not really there the night he had talked about him. And then went the the questions about Rin. He never said a thing for Yondaime. And family was not a thing they both wanted to touch.

"Who is she?" he asked on a chilly morning of autumn, looking at Iruka's memorial stone. He waited patiently as Iruka passed through different emotions.

At first, he paled, then frowned, lips making a thin line in his face, before sighing and looked back at the stone. "She's... Hum, she used to... Huh, I- I mean..." He gripped his forehead, clenching his eyes shut.

"It's okay, I didn't want to pry. You don't have to talk abo-"

"Atsuko Hikaru. Her- Her name his Atsuko Hikaru." He took deep breath. He had not pronounced her name since her death, not even to Kouta-sensei. He had always referred to her as _her_. Or _she_. "She... She was my girlfriend. It had been two years... and... and we were suppose to be getting married..."

"Look, don't. I don't need to know these personal moments of yours," said Kakashi, looking at the ground. He felt Iruka's hand on his his forearm.

"No. I need to talk, I have to. She- Hikaru would have wanted me to move on. And I need to talk about it. About everything that's been a mess in my life already. It's just, it's fucking hard. There's nothing- I don't- Nothing can excuse me for what I've done."

The jounin kept silent, staring intently into the brown eyes of his chuunin. I'm there for you, and I haven't done anything better than any other shinobi, his silver eye tried to convey.

"We... were on a mission. B-class, nothing too horrible, protecting some important man while at some kind of meeting. It was the first time I worked with her since we were together, it was a two men team." He looked in the distance, "Everything was fine, and then in a second everything went wrong. I had made sure the perimeter was safe, I was alert for anything. There were too many. The guy died, and Hikaru and I were captured.

"I've been told it'd been three weeks only they tortured us, but it was enough to make us crazy." He looked back at Kakashi, "She was... breaking. I had to do something. I was trained into that kind of thing, the torture," then looked back at the ground, "my sensei had made sure of that." Kakashi knew there was something more under that statement, but said nothing. "They were coming back at us, like each time we heard some sound from the other side of the door. I lied to her that everything would be alright, everything would be fine." He scrubbed his now puffy eyes, before letting one finger lightly rest on his scar.

"I- I had been able to undo the shackles, found something that unlocked it. She was crying, she kept crying since days now. I lied to her. I didn't even tell her that I loved her, never in those last weeks. I didn't want them to know, it would have been worse." He was not looking at Kakashi anymore, his tears falling freely, "I..." He clenched his jaw forcefully, before spitting the last words, "I snapped her neck.

"But- But it was not the enemy behind the doors, only Konoha..."

Iruka then seemed to be shutting down again, staring at Kakashi with wide puffy eyes. The silver haired man knew that this boy was looking for acceptance, something that showed him he was not resented for what he had done. And so Kakashi did the only thing that seemed right at the moment, and hugged him.

He tucked his head in the crook of his neck, holding him tightly, breathing slowly and encouragingly. "It's alright," he whispered. "We cannot know how everything will turn out." And Kakashi was surprised to feel his chuunin embrace him back. "You are no scum. You did it to protect her, because shame would have plagued her her whole life if she had let everything she knew be known."

And they stayed where they were for as long as Iruka needed, crying onto the shoulder of someone that he knew was more than a friend.

 


	8. Chapter 8

When Iruka said he needed to talk about the mess his life had been, he had not lied. Each time they would meet at the cemetery, Iruka would at least tell him a thing or two. How he felt when some of Hikaru's friends would look at him, how he would have nightmares of those weeks, mostly the one where she reminded him how he left her dying.

But he would also tell him how he felt teaching the kids, how he felt while making them understand how teamwork and teammates were important. Not necessarily to break the rules or bend them, but simply to regard the situation at the best they could.

But what felt nice to him was that they were still kids. Children learning how to become great shinobis, how to protect their family and the one they loved. Yes, he would sometime yell at them for their behavior, but he would also be proud of them for their hard work.

And Kakashi would also share on his behalf how he felt about certain situation he could talk of. Like the fact that he had to take genin teams, how he would sometimes just feel like something that could be tossed aside so easily when he was not needed. But, surprisingly, he would talk about the comrades he could not save on his missions.

"You did everything you could, you know."

"Hn. Still, I should have known. I should have been aware he was not ready to take on the job," replied grimly the silver haired jounin.

Iruka eyed him sadly. "Don't beat yourself more than that. You cannot always know how things will turn out."

The lone grey eye looked up at him, and the scarecrow chuckled darkly. "True."

Iruka stared at the group of people at the other side of the cemetery. "He had a big family."

"Yeah, one of the few who hasn't lost too much people in the Kyuubi attack."

"Hmm." He frowned. "I heard he will attend school next year," he added bitterly.

"Who?"

"The jinchuuriki," whispered Iruka lowly, making sure none would hear him other than his friend.

Kakashi's brow furrowed. "And?"

Iruka eyes widened. "And... I don't know. It's just that I lost so much that day, because of it."

"Because of the _boy_?" simply asked Kakashi, his tone holding what could be judgement or annoyance. Iruka was not sure.

"Huh, no. Because of the monster," he snapped back, crossing his arms on his chest.

Kakashi sighed, looked at the ever grey sky of winter, before shaking his head. "Then the boy has nothing to do with it, Sensei. Think about it."

And he left with a teleporting jutsu, not leaving any time to the chuunin to say a thing. Bewildered, Iruka stared at the now empty space, not understanding what had just happened. Had he said something wrong?

***

Hiruzen looked at his ever efficient shinobi in front of him, listening to his report, nodding his head time to time. When he became silent, Sandaime stood up, looked through the window, his back turned to the standing one eyed man, and sighed.

"You're taking an impressive amount of missions lately, Kakashi. This one almost killed you."

The silver haired man stiffened, but said nothing, and kept his posture right.

"What's the matter?" calmly asked the old man. Through the reflection discerning on the window, he could see the jounin looked at the ground for a second before looking back at him.

"Nothing of any concern, Hokage-sama," he rasped out. He still had a hard time to breath even after his time at the hospital.

"Hmm. You private life is yours, but your shinobi life isn't. You won't take missions for some time." He seated back in his char, taking his hat off. "From the hospital report, you still need at least a month to recover. There's only much we can do for your injuries." He eyed him with concern.

"I understand, Hokage-sama," Kakashi said bowing.

As he turned to leave, he stopped dead in his track. "I haven't dismissed you, yet."

He grunted, but turned back and stood as rightly as he had seconds before. "Yes, Hokage-sama?"

Sarutobi smiled lightly. "How's your friend?"

He saw Kakashi frowned even more than he already was. "Which friend?"

"The month-duty-off friend, I recall."

"Fine," let out Kakashi.

"I'm glad to hear." However, Sandaime knew Kakashi had not seen him for a while. "Kouta-sensei is waiting for you for your psych evaluation. We have decided, since your last trivia of missions, that maybe we should postpone your meeting." Before Kakashi could protest, "It's an order. You're dismissed."

Kakashi kept himself from snorting, and simply left the office without a word, nor a bow. Hiruzen knew that he had pissed him off, but sometimes, he had to intervene in the life of his shinobis. At least, he could make sure that he kept his soldiers alive.

***

Iruka knew it would take a while for him to see his friend back. But that long was surprising. A part of him had hope he would be here for Christmas, just as he had said, but he was not there. He had partake in some of the festivities a little bit that year, but mostly kept for himself at his apartment or at Hiraku's grave.

The pug was not there this year either. His friend was really angry at him. What was bothering was the fact he did not understand why.

"Hey, I know it's been a while. I'm sorry." He kept silent, feeling weird for speaking alone. It had not happen that much lately, he would usually just say 'hi', or think for himself. "Merry Christmas, 'Karu. I miss you, you know. Even if I don't come as much as I used to.

"I, huh, came to talk, if you don't mind." She sure did not mind, stupid, his head told him. He chuckled nervously. "It's been almost three years now, but I still think about you everyday, just like mom and dad. You remember the day I took you to meet them? You said nothing but you understood. Because your parents are here too. I hope you are happy with them.

"I'm not sure, but I think that I'm moving on," he breathed out hastily, afraid that any thunderbolt would struck him at any time. He kept silent for a while, scratching his scar. "I haven't presented him my parents yet, but I was thinking about it. Yeah, I know, it's a man. I never thought I would fall again for one, but he is different.

"I don't know how, but I think we had our first fight the other day. I don't know what I did, but he's angry. He hasn't come today, and he said he would. We talked about the jinchuuriki, and I let out my feelings, just like I have promised myself I would now. For your sake.

"You... you were such an important part of my life. I love you. I will always. Just- Just remember that."

He slumped in the snow, holding his knees to his chest, his head buried in the red scarf he wore. Shuddering from the cold, he looked to the side, where Kakashi's memorial stones were. He had come, he could still see the prints, but had not waited for him.

He dried his cheeks, and sighed. "I'll come back as soon as I'll be able too. Take care, Karu'." And he left, his head hung low.

***

"No, it's not a fight," grumbled Kakashi to Rin. They had come back, and were now bothering him with all those questions. He hold his arm tightly to his chest, like he always did in winter. "Humph, I know sensei, he just spoke his mind, that's what makes him different from the others. I would just have like him to maybe be different on that part too."

He scratched his head heavily, tired. It was his last week with off duties, and he couldn't wait to do something of his life again. He knew he lingered for his chuunin, for the talk he had every morning, whenever they could.

"Stop Obito! I know that too. Yes, it's juvenile, and I don't care. Let me be," he mumbled.

His chakra perked up someone coming. The fact that he was doing so much missions lately made him on-guard all the time, his mind always set on his mission mood. He picked up his orange book from his pocket, and started reading it absentmindedly.

"I know your not reading the book..." said Iruka with a disgruntled look.

"Maa, sorry. You were saying?" he said, without even looking up to the young man. He heard him sighed.

Iruka was controlling his own anger. He found it very stupid from such a man, one that would let him talk about everything without judging. And then, one thing and it was hell. He breathed out slowly. "Listen, I'm sorry for what I've said the other day. It's just, I spoke my mind. I understand it's a boy, I understand he has nothing to do with my parents being killed by the Kyuubi." Kakashi eyed him carefully. "But the anger won't go away that fast."

Kakashi simply closed his book before tossing it in his pocket. "That boy is my sensei's son. Everything went awry that night. You know it, you lived through it." The broken look on Iruka's face showed Kakashi how the man was truly sorry. "Let just put this subject aside. They are things I prefer to let out, that I won't talk about."

"I'm very sorry. I didn't know. I- If you- You want coffee?" stammered the chuunin, holding out a steaming mug, his face scarlet like his red scarf.

And just like that, Kakashi smiled back. "Thanks," he said, taking the mug in his gloved hands, their fingers brushing together, making Iruka look back in his single grey eye. Taking a sip, the jounin ‘hmm'ed happily. "I'm sorry for Christmas. "

"It's alright,I suppose. I sorted out some of my stuff with Karu'..." he said timidly. "Next year, then."

"Yeah, next year I'll be there, promised." They smiled at each other.

Iruka played with his foot in the snow. “I’ve decided to move out of my apartment.”

“Oh?”

“Hmm. You know, it’s- it’s big for me alone, and getting expensive for one sole teacher. It’s not like I’ve made money pretty much in the last years.”

“If you like it, that’s what’s important.”

He chuckled sadly. “I guess.”

“When I finally decided to sell my family’s compound, it was weird to stay in someplace else.” The chuunin looked up to him. “I’m sure you’ll get used to it.”

“I hope too...” he whispered.

By selling the apartment, he had hoped to achieve some kind of peace with himself, to finally put some memories that hurt too much away. She was everywhere, in every little thing he did, and each time he woke up during the night, he had the impression she was there. He needed something smaller where he would be able to fill up the space, where pang of guilt would be less frequent each time he remembered her.

With the moving and the way his life was unfolding, Iruka had less and less time to go to the memorial stone. He had found it hard to adapt to his small sized place, but he was finally able to make out what it was living his life. Slowly but surely, his meeting with Kouta-sensei had diminished, so there was more time for school and his trainings with Izumo and Kotetsu. Through those months, he still went whenever he could say 'hi' to his cemetery friend.

The day they would meet, they would speak for long hours. Their previous fight forgotten, they were still talking about everything they felt they needed to say. Iruka would give news from his friends, and Kakashi would talk to him about some of his teammates he went on missions with.

From time to time, the teacher would let some words slipped about how Naruto was faring in class. Kakashi would say nothing, and Iruka would only say what he had heard that did not convey any angered feeling. Even if he disliked the kid, he was able to speak about him as if he was any other troubled children.

Because he had to face it, Uzumaki Naruto was not doing well at all, and it was with hesitation that the ponytail haired boy informed the jounin that he would not pass that year. But his friend said nothing, shrugged, and kept reading.

He did not know why, but it angered Iruka. The jounin had made him feel like shit for months back then for simply saying that he disliked the boy, and now he did not even feel concerned for him. But he said nothing, and just bottled it as far as he could. They had decided they would not speak of that child, so they were not, actually.

But the dismissed anger Iruka felt of the silver haired man, mixed with his own anger of everything he felt in his life, was not doing well. And, without even realizing it, Iruka slowly started to just let the cemetry on the side. He was busy with the academy, and he was busy with living. He had met new people, started going out a little more, adding to his one entry list of Ichiraku some places he had long ago left aside.

The meetings at the cemetery became sparse, and a little strained. None of them said anything, but the jounin knew that his chuunin had some anger issues. And he was not going to talk about those, since some of them were caused by Iruka himself, and the other was not a thing that could be discussed. One day, maybe, but for now, it was forbidden. By him, and by the Hokage.

Just the fact that he had let slipped out that Naruto was his sensei's son had made a fuss. Somehow, the Hokage had heard, and he was being remembered that nothing should even be said. So he left it at that, and a part of him felt sad that it had to be this way. He liked the chuunin, he was working hard to get back his life, and his trust issues were better since he had the teaching job.

And he knew Iruka had met someone. He had first thought that nothing would come out from their encounter, but he had still hoped somewhere. Asuma told him once that he had seen him with another chuunin, and that they seemed more than friends - Kakashi made a mental note to find out where Asuma would take all this gossip.

Yet, Kakashi said nothing again. He was not the one who would go to question him about those kind of things, because it wasn't him to pry into someone's life. He just waited to be accepted in that life.

All in all, they still met from time to time, and they would be happy to talk to each other. But something was off, and both knew. Iruka spoke it once and for all, one morning, between two sips of coffee.

"I met someone," he said bluntly. As he watched Kakashi's reaction - which meant him staying aloof, - he tried to hide his deception.

"I'm glad for you, Sensei. What's the name?" Kakashi thought he saw something, but did nothing about it; he simply smiled at the boy.

"Mizuki. He's another apprentice teacher."

"If he's nice to you, there's no problem about it." He kept reading his book, but he wanted to make things different. They had to talk, yet the talk was not possible. He was getting annoyed at this chasing game.

"Well, thanks," hesitantly said Iruka. Somewhere inside of him, he felt anger again. The jounin always acted like that, and it made him frustrated. Did he only cared a little?

"However, this Mizuki is only a rebound. This won't last," he stated without even looking at his chuunin.

Iruka flared up, rising from where he sat, his fist balling, "What the hell are you saying that for?" His glare would have killed him if the silver grey eye had met his.

"I'm only stating facts." Kakashi shrugged. "No need to be that angry for."

Shaking, he tried to control his emotions that were boiling up. "You. Don't. Know. Me."

"I know you more than what you think," he whispered, frowning, a single eye meeting two brown ones. "You're the one always talking about everything's happening in your life!"

"You're the one who says nothing! Each time you flee when we fight. You never ask questions!"

"I'm not a psych eval, I won't be asking you questions like that."

"You didn't even ask my name!"

"I don't wanna know your name!"

Iruka's eyes widened, then narrowed dangerously. "Well, if I'm such a bother, you should have told me at least."

"Wait Sen..." Before Kakashi could say otherwise, his friend was gone, "...sei."

He grunted, finally putting his book aside. What was wrong with that chuunin?

***

Months passed slowly for Kakashi. His chuunin had not come back to the cemetery, and the tree had lost all his leaves now. He was right to be angry, that had been the conclusion the jounin had reached. He should not have said that to a young man who had finally let go of his lost fiancée.

Tenzou had knocked him on the head for that stupid move. Why had he gone to him, instead of Asuma? His mind would not tell him, but his body had wanted someone with whom he could put the pression away.

"Already leaving, senpaï?"

As Kakashi slowly put his pants on, he sighed, momentarily closing his eyes. "You know why I came here. I shouldn't have."

"Don't worry, it's alright. It had been a while, that's all." He positioned himself comfortably on his bed, his blue blanket hiding him partly."You've kept yourself away for quite a while now. Who is it?"

The silver haired jounin looked away, "No one. There's nothing, actually. He's already with someone." Tenzou said nothing, only nodded. "I'll just wait for him to come back. I'll apologize," he deadpanned, searching the ground.

"Here, your shirt," he said as he threw it at his ex-ANBU comrade. "If it can help you, come back any time. I missed you in my bed," he said to the leaving figure at the window.

Kakashi had come back from time to time. Now that his chuunin was dating, he was going out more around the village, which made the jounin spot him on some occasions. He had made sure not to cross his road; he was not there to make him feel bad, or to destroy all the progress Iruka had done so far. Instead, he turned away and went somewhere else, kept living and doing missions.

But he had not thought that he would miss the boy so much. He had not wanted him that much in his life. If losing friends hurt that much, he did not want to think about losing a lover. Romantic interests were not to consider, which had led him to Tenzou lately.

They had dated for a while, at first. Yet, he retracted the day the ANBU almost died. He did not want to live that pain again. Losing a comrade on the field, he could deal with that. But a lover, he could not. He would not. However, sex was a demanding part in life that he would still acknowledge.

Kouta-sensei had simply rubbed his eyes, and put back on his glasses. Twining chakra with his patients was overcoming his personality, and sometimes he would be picking some quirks from them. When it was Hatake, he would be usually nonchalant and a little bit arrogant when grumpy. After Kakashi had tell how he had started to go to Tenzou again, asking why he was feeling that way for his boy, tiredness was creeping all in Kyoshi's body.

Kakashi was tired, this was why he would talk that much. Well, if five sentences had been a lot of talk, Kouta had been able to understand most of it.

"That chuunin his different from Tenzou, Kakashi. He does not do missions anymore, which is why you have let your heart to him. He risks his life as minimum as it is possible."

And the scarecrow had simply nodded, and he had left right after - his time had been shorten again, since coming at the required hour was not a priority for a psych evaluation. The explanation was logical, and the fact that Iruka was truly not risking his life was a balm to his fear.

As the chilly weather started to take its place, Christmas finally came, without snow. Somehow, it was even colder without it. He waited at their spot that morning, holding his arms on his chest. He had forgotten the coffee, though.

He had told him he would be there that year, and so he was. For a long time, Kakashi dared not move. He had not bought anything; gifts were not something he was usually buying. He would do it once he would know if the dolphin cared for gifts.

But no chuunin came, and Kakashi slowly made his way back home after telling merry Christmas to Obito, Rin and Yondaime. He even stopped at his father, wondered if he should say something, before making his way again.

 


	9. Chapter 9

As the sunset slowly went to sleep, the cemetery was quiet at this time of the day. Green leaves were tainted of orange and red, and every little memorial stones turned a crimson red. Just as blood tainted their life as shinobi, Mizuki felt it was just like his memories of this night, so many years ago.

When the village, set aflame, his parents dying against an enormous orange fox, everything was covered in blood. Chaos and pain was everywhere, marking everyone, even the most courageous of them. He had felt it, the chaos and the anger at the time. He knew, he understood. But so many did not, and so many did as if they were.

He knew he was not alone grieving from the loss, but he barely thought that anyone would understand the pain he bore. Gently squeezing the calloused hand he hold, he looked at his boyfriend tentatively. For once, he felt that he had found someone who understood. Well, he hoped so.

Somewhere in a part of his mind, something told Mizuki he was wrong. He already knew that it was not truly working between them; the long silence that followed his talk showed how much they were apart, even if they were alike.

“So, this is it. This is where my parents rest," he calmly said, brushing some hair behind his ears. Iruka stared at the epitaph intently, not saying a word. "I know that you've lost your parents, and I want you to know that I understand, 'Ruka."

The ponytail haired chuunin looked taken aback for the moment, before he looked at the ground. "Thank you, 'Zuki," simply answered Iruka, smiling sadly.

Mizuki frowned slightly. He had thought another scenario, one where there would be sharing. Because a talking Iruka would be a progression in their relationship. "Hum, do you want to talk about it?" he asked cautiously. "I mean, I talked about my family to you..."

But nothing came, only an hesitant look, brown eyes finally looking away. "I don't feel like it. I mean, it's over, it's in the past, I don't need to talk about it anymore. It's done, already." And it was true. He had talk about it over and over again with Sandaime and with Kouta-sensei.

Mizuki's brow furrowed, and he sighed, finding everything more interesting than the dolphin reactions. "Okay, then. If you say so..." As he started to walk away, a hand gripped his shoulder. He shrugged it off, "Look, we should go. It’s getting cold."

It was always like that, no talking done. It frustrated him to no end, always feeling that there was not any sharing done from his man, that it was only one-sided. It was. He kicked a rock that dared being in his way.

Iruka scratched his scar, knowing that by Mizuki's slouched shoulders he had hurt him. "I'm sorry, 'Zuki. Please, understand, I don't wish to talk about it."

The white haired man turned around suddenly, his fists clenched. "You're always sorry, Iruka!" The tanned man flinched at the accusative tone. "You never tell me a thing, never give me a cue about your life, of who you are!"

Iruka brows furrowed, something settling in his stomach that he did not like. "That's not true! I talk, I tell you what I like and what I don't!"

"Oh c’mon! Really? I came here to talk to you about my parents, but you share nothing of yours!" he shouted. "We kiss, but each time when we finally get things on, you back out, without telling me why!"

The dolphin stiffened, his voice barely a whisper, his teeth clenched shut, "You don't need to know why... You just need to be there for me."

Green eyes softened, the stance relaxed visibly. Hiding his face behind one hand, Mizuki grunted desperately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I didn't mean to tell you this shit!" He paced for a moment, gathering his mind going wild. He hated his easy temper, something he shared again with Iruka. "Look, I thought about this for a while now," Iruka looked up at him, his chocolate brown eyes pleading silently, "and it seems to me that I'm not your guy. I've talk with your friends, and I know you’ve lost your girlfriend. Don't give me that look! I had no other choice!"

"Like hell you hadn't!" Iruka snapped. "You could just have waited for me to tell you this. Not suck out the answer from them!"

"Shut up and listen to me!" The scarred chuunin was about to snap again, but he held back his tongue, making sure that the next words would hurt definitely if there was no good explanation. "It's been seven months now. Seven months, one Christmas, and your birthday, and you still haven't told me a thing! I can't even picture a nice gift to give to you for important moments.

"I- I don't know you even after all those months." He took off his bandana, breathing deeply. The dolphin said nothing, but Mizuki knew bells rang in his little head of his, because the expressive brown eyes held hurt and sadness. "I'm leaving on a long length mission tomorrow. Something about two or three weeks, mostly. Think about us, and decide what you want. Because right now, I feel like a rebound guy. Which is what I must be, actually..."

He did not wait for the younger man to answer, and simply made his way back to the school to pick some stuff he had left there. He was tired of this on and off again thing - if he could call it that, - he had with him. Iruka was funny and lovable, seeing things that Mizuki felt he could share with him. They had both lost their families, both felt the same pain, both knew what each other had to go through.

However, the man did not seem to be interested, even if he had repeated every time that he liked him and found time enjoyable in his company. They had fought once, when they had talked about the Kyuubi brat, and Mizuki had left it at that. Something about a fight Iruka had had previously with a friend. At least, he knew that they shared the same angered feeling of the demon.

But there was nothing more. He had to come to a term.

And as Iruka watched him walk away, he could not even say a thing to hold him back. He hugged himself, trying to understand where everything had gone wrong. He had thought that he had been over Hikaru. He had thought he was ready to be confident about another guy. He had thought about so many elements, had looked at them in every possible angles that his head had hurt from a stress induced headache.

He had found someone nice, who cared about him. Mizuki was not exactely patient, had pressured him a lot, but Iruka had been sure he was able to handle it. Wrong. He knew that it was because Mizuki pried into his life, that he asked question about everything that he had first been interested. His cemetery friend mostly never asked a thing, only once about 'Karu.

Yet, he also missed that silent companionship, that way of simply waiting to talk. He could say what he wanted, when he wanted, without interruption or look of pity or compassion - he could not tell which one it was. Silence. Listening. No impression of judgement.

On the other hand, it was what had frustrated Iruka in the first place; the constant silence, with the fact that he had to ask questions to know who his jounin friend was. It was a one-sided relationship, and the fights they had so much about the Kyuubi brat just made it even worse.

Truly, who was he kidding. Iruka was doing the same thing to Mizuki as the scarecrow did to him. He had killed his lover before because he had not known better and did not trust his own judgement. How could he have hoped to find someone again?

He tried to push away his feeling that death would be easier. Those thoughts were no good, he was not to find any kind of relieve in those, even if it hurt inside so much. He was a good shinobi, he just needed time, and only time helped. Nothing else would take the pain and the confusion away, he told himself. Again.

***

Hiruzen read the report in front of him with attentive eyes. He could not keep his smirk away from his lips, contentedly chewing on his old pipe absentmindedly. Rising his eyes, he looked at Kouta Kyoshi, satisfied. "He's shown great improvement since last times. I'm glad."

"Yes, Hokage-sama. Though he is to have some down from time to time, he will make it through." He took off his glasses to clean them up with a part of his uniform.

"However, he had a down two weeks ago. Are you sure he is stable enough?" He was concerned; an unstable shinobi meant peril.

"Yes, he shows that he understands when he is having those suicidal thoughts, and we have worked on different approaches to make sure he could counter them." Hiruzen 'hmm'ed'. "Therefore, I suggest that to help him back on his recovery, he should take some hours at the mission desk."

"Is that so. Why?"

"To be brought back slowly to his shinobi roots, to simply interact with his peers through the reports and manning the desk would be helpful. Without having to exactly go back on the field, he would at least approach it in some ways that could make him feel more useful."

Sandaime eyed back the report, muttering to himself, "'Uncertainty with his own capacities as a shinobi; mistrust his own deductions about comrades and situations; anxiety at the simple idea of going back on field; feeling disgraced as a shinobi for failing...'" He scratched his head thoughtfully, reading the few other notes of the evaluation report. "I see. Some hours would do him good. When do you think he would be stable enough to face other shinobis?"

Kouta looked at his own pad, scribbling something, before answering, "I would need a few more months. There are still many subjects to broach, and I need him to keep working only with the Academy children for now. It helps him getting his confidence back."

The Hokage took a puff, almost slouching back in his chair. His back hurt for staying so many hours in that horrible thing. "Alright. Next: Hatake Kakashi. How is he faring?"

Kyoshi turned the page over. "Good, but I see a withdrawal since some weeks now. However, nothing too major. He is stable, as usual, and no sign of reclusion yet."

"Good. You're doing a tremendous job, Kyoshi," he said, grinning. "Now, stop monitoring me, and get some tea for your old bones. You've been working yourself out too much, and I don't want you in your grave before me. Kami only knows who will go first between you and me."

Kouta smirked, and took a sip of his tea. "So, should we resume our game of shogi?"

***

Kotetsu drew back momentarily, holding his ground as Iruka threw a set of kunai at him. Answered with shurikens, he jumped back expertly as he saw the set of explosive tags. His clone blew up in a puff of smoke, and he grinned at his friend who was holding his ribs, out of breath.

"You're doing great, Ru'! You're faster since the two last years now."

The dolphin laughed back, sitting with a thump on the ground. "Thanks, I'm doing my best."

"Heh, but you're holding back!" Iruka looked away, his lips pressed in a thin line. "You were off, today. What's the matter?"

Scratching his scar, he sighed. "It's over with Mizuki. I broke up with him this morning," he said sadly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," answered Kotetsu, walking to his friend.

"But I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. I think he was more hurt than me..."

The spiky haired chuunin kept silent for a moment. "I'll be honest, I don't think he was good for you," he stated, crouching in front of the scarred chuunin.

"Huh? Why?" Iruka was surprised. He had thought that Kotetsu and Izumo liked him, each time they would go out they would have a lot of fun the four of them.

"I don't know," he gestured vaguely, looking for the right words, "he's holding such grudge. He always let something slip about revenge, strength, how it is important to become a jounin..."

A chuckle. "I know. The first time he asked when I would be taking my chance to become a jounin, and that I answered I wouldn't, I'm sure he judged me for a moment." He paused, analyzing his memory. "Now that I think of it, he asked me back then 'How would I take my revenge then, against the Kyuubi'."

Hagane rose his brows. "Really?"

"Yeah. We got in a big fight, and we never talked about it again."

"I guess your jounin friend made you understand about the boy, then!" Rising, he held his hand to Iruka, who took it.

"Yeah, I guess. In fact, I'll be having the brat in my class soon enough." They started walking back to the village, exiting the training ground. "Hokage-sama invited me for some tea, and exposed the situation. He thinks that I should be able to help him better than any other teachers."

"How come?" asked the spiky haired chuunin, perplex.

"That's what I asked too." He scoffed. "The only answer I got was that I would understand in time..."

"Hmm." They kept silent for a moment, making their way to the couple's apartment. Izumo should have been back by now, having done his hours at the mission desk. "How come you never asked for his name?"

"Excuse me?"

"Your jounin friend. You resent him for not asking you your name, but you haven't ask his," he stated, making fun of him. "Why?"

"Izumo told you, hasn't he?" Iruka grunted, scratching his head. "I don't know, okay? He- He made me angry, and it was the first thing that came to my mind. I don't want to talk about it, anyway."

"Ha, really! I’m sure you’ve got an eye on him?" he said, hitting his friend's shoulder lightly, wriggling his eyebrows.

"Drop it," he said in a low voice, his eyes narrowing. He scoffed again, shaking his head.

Kotetsu let it drop; he knew that his lover would tell him everything anyway. But he could see a light blush on Iruka's face. That man did not blush so easily, that he knew of. He smirked. There was something going on, but he would not push anything. There was so much things going on in his friend's life, he could wait.

***

Kakashi lazily sat on the comfortable couch, a cold beer in one hand, his Icha Icha in the other. Asuma smirked to himself, opening his beer, and sat back in front of his friend. He took a sip and waited. Eventually, the question would be ask, would not it?

The scarecrow finally rose his eye to Asuma. "So, where do you get all that stuff on him."

The bearded jounin blinked repeatedly. "Are you here for that? That's what you've been wondering about?" He should not have been surprised, it was Kakashi, after all. "Heh. I don't give my source off so easily, Kakashi. You should know that."

Kakashi snorted, smirking. "Maa, it was nice to try," he said as he started reading his book again.

Asuma took another sip of his beer. "Anyway, what's so interesting in him? It's a chuunin."

The silver haired jounin sighed, staring at his bearded friend again. "Look underneath the underneath. Chunnnin or jounin, the title doesn't change a thing. You should know, with Kurenai and all," he said, his nonchalant face put on.

Asuma gritted his teeth. "I'm not dating Kurenai."

"And I'm not dating the chuunin," he replied, smiling through his mask. Sarutobi slumped in his couch, muttering something Kakashi could not discern.

"So you found out about Kurenai being my source. Why did you ask me then?" finally asked Asuma after a while.

"To see what it was about," he simply answered, waving his hand lazily, taking another sip of his beer.

"Underneath the underneath," Asuma muttered, frowning. The laughing wrinkles of the lone grey eye were making fun of him. "I should've seen this one comin'..."

"Look, I've gotta go," Kakashi said as he rose, "things to do, life to live."

"I don't think he'll come back to the memorial stone, Kakashi," he told him as the silver haired jounin stepped out of his apartment.

"Don't worry, I know him. He'll pass by," the scarecrow said, waving a goodbye.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

As another month passed by, Kakashi thought that maybe he did not know him at all, this famous chuunin. He had seen him a little on the streets, but never went to talk to him. Yet, no more white haired chuunin - well, what seemed like to be white hair, he could not tell clearly, - followed him.

Kakashi snorted, burying his nose even more in his orange book - the latest edition he just had bought, - hoping the noisy Uchiha would leave him alone. "I won't be going out with him, this isn't possible for now, you stupid. You know why."

"They've come back to bother you?" asked a small voice. As Kakashi turned to the ponytail haired boy, he hid his surprise behind a face of annoyance. He was getting way too familiar with that young man to simply let him so easily get near him. Iruka sighed, scratching his scar as he looked at the ground. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" asked Kakashi, his eyebrow raised.

He saw the chuunin frown, taking a long intake of air, his jaw clenching an unclenching. "I'm sorry for being an ass to you."

"Really?" He knew that it was childish, but he was angry.

The dolphin growled. "I'm sorry; you were right. He was a rebound! Happy?!" Iruka saw the jounin's stance relaxed, a smile visible behind his mask, and he fought even more to keep himself from hitting him. He knew, however, that his friend was listening, the orange book put back in its pocket.

"Maa, don't be that prickly, Sensei. I can see those fists you're readying there."

"Well, stop picking on me, you moron."

Kakashi chuckled, before regaining a serious expression. "Look, I'm sorry too."

Brown eyes widened. "What?"

"I can understand that I was also mean to you, Sensei." He saw Iruka shook his head disbelievingly, trying to find some words. Kakashi frowned. "You think that I'm too arrogant to know when I'm wrong?"

"Huh, no. It's... It's just that I'm surprised. I didn't thought that you would say it." In fact, he knew that the jounin was sorry, or else he would not have been standing in the snow alone on the last Christmas, waiting for him. Iruka had seen him go, had waited purposefully for him to make his leave before stepping to his memorial stone.

"Maa, give me some credit, Sensei. It's not because I'm a jounin that I would consider myself superior to you and say that I am right by all means."

Was there some pain in those words? wondered Iruka. The chuunin looked at him with soft eyes. "I know, don't worry."

And they said nothing more, simply enjoying each other's company. Because they knew somehow that there was still issues left, and they needed to work them out with time.

"Next time, bring the coffee," said Kakashi sternly. A hit on his shoulder and defiant eyes glared at him. He smiled. There were still some tension in the air, but they would work it out.

***

Crispy cold came back eventually, because the hot season could not stay forever, mused Kakashi as he took a sip of his mug. Each year he would wonder why he did not buy some better gears for winter, and each time laziness came to mind and that coffee won the fight.

"Your coffee's not bad. A little off, but not bad."

"Hey! It's been a while, you know," snapped back Iruka, glaring at the scarecrow.

Kakashi's eyebrow rose. "Really? The rebound guy didn't have coffee on morning?" he said, not thinking. And by the stiffness in Iruka's body, Kakashi knew he had been too privy. Why had he? He should not have been, he was not privy. At least, not supposed to. No?

Luckily to him, Iruka finally relaxed, looked away and sighed, but still answered. "Hum, no, not really. We weren't together in the mornings, and generally coffee was already done in the academy teacher's room when I arrived."

"Sorry," the silver haired jounin still said. He had to.

"Don't be," replied hastily Iruka. Even if the scarecrow tried to hide his inquiring look, Iruka had a glimpse of it. "I- He- We... I mean, it wasn't working, and I wish to talk about it." He didn't said the 'to you' that his mind screamed at him, but he had no doubt that, by the way he could not keep himself looking at the jounin, the one-eyed man already knew.

Still, an awkward silence set itself upon them. As Iruka was kicking himself for not being able to say what he wanted to say, Kakashi was kicking himself for being such an ass when his chuunin tried to be open about himself. Since when did they cared for each other so much through those almost three years?

It took another month before Iruka finally said that he was not able to talk about everything to Mizuki as he did when he was around Kakashi. That he had this angry chakra creeping around him, how he would make so many crude and mean comments on people from time to time when they were alone. Even his other friends did not have all this information - spiky and long brown hair he heard so much about. By the softness in the eyes of the jounin, the chuunin understood that it meant a lot to his unnamed friend.

And between all those explanations, they simply started to sit closer without thinking, without looking. Their fingers brushed more often when they gave each other their mugs, or poured for the other some more coffee. Somewhere between that, coffee would be changed to tea from time to time - the third was scrubbing off on him through their talking session, Iruka often said.

Through the time they spent fixing what had to be fixed, they still did not ask each other's name. Why ? Both did not know really. And did not want to find why. Added to that, they both let on the side the topic of the blond brat as much as they could either. But sometimes, Iruka could not let it go.

"You know, I teach the brat this year." He paused, and when he saw Kakashi acknowledge his words - still a little reluctant, - he resumed, "And I should not have been so judgemental on him. You were right on that one too."

"Maa, when am I not right, sensei?"

"Humph. I'm just letting you know, so you can boost that egotistical mind of yours, actually."

Smirking lips that could be seen through the mask and playful eyes stared at him. "No need hurting me. I'm sure he's not that much trouble, anyway." And the way Iruka blurted the next words took him by surprise.

"Excuse me! It's clear that you have no idea how boisterous this boy can be, how a pain in the ass he is and there's nothing to be done with it!"

"Now, now, sensei," Kakashi held up his hands in defense, "every kids once in a while can be bothering. It's must not be that bad."

The dolphin snorted loudly. "Huh, come back to me once you'll have a genin team." The silence he got back made him smile. "Still have not let a team pass?"

"No." The scarecrow scratched his nose momentarily. "Kids these days still haven't learn what teamwork is." And without wanting too, Obito and Rin came to his mind.

"Hmm. I'm... I'm trying to make them understand about teamwork." The jounin looked at his friend with surprise, and the chuunin hesitantly smiled back. "I don't think it's working, though. Just look at me, how far I got some things..." Iruka muttered, looking at the frozen-but-yet-not-white ground.

Kakashi eyes softened, and he would have wished that there had been no mask on his face that day for his chuunin to see his smile. Iruka eyes widened for a second when he felt Kakashi's hand rest gently on his forearm. "Thank you, Sensei. I'm sure you're doing a great job at it."

And the only thing the dolphin was able to answer with was a wide smile of pride. And a blush discerned only if you looked at the now white scar that crossed his nose, which Kakashi had no eye for that day, because the deep chocolate brown eyes shined with true happiness he had not seen before.

***

The snow tried to settle, but rain was nasty and kept it away from Fire country for some weeks. It had bothered Kakashi a lot, since cold and rain never mixed well, and his over cold body he had to drag between so many missions tired him to no end.

Iruka kept scolding him as if he was a little boy, but, in fact, he was glad for his sensei to be back. They could not see each other too often yet, since Kakashi was away repeatedly. Something was happening in Mist, and they could not tell. Some gathering, somewhere. It was well hidden, as everything related to ninjas should be. But something was also off, as everything related to ninja was way too often.

Kakashi shrugged, and rubbed his hands together, trying to feel his fingers again. A numbness grip on his kunai was all he got back.

"You should let your laziness away sometime," nudged Hayate. Raidou laughed back, glancing beside his shoulder at them.

"Keep looking out for enemies instead of bothering us, Hayate," said back the silver haired jounin in a lazy voice. Without seeing him, he knew that the sword user was rolling his eyes at him, before scouting around some more. Crouching on his branch, the scarecrow looked back at Raidou a few feet away from him. "Got something?"

"Only that something's wrong. Can't tell what. The ninkens got anything too?"

"Nope. Pakkun said that there's nothing to find with that mixing of cold and rain. Their noses are useless."

"Hn," was the only thing the scarred jounin said, scratching his chin. "The old man won't be happy to hear that."

"As if our Hokage should be happy to know that we're calling him an old man," came back Hayate again. What a nice use of shadow clones. "Anyway, it's been two weeks now that we're looking, and nothing. Missing-nins are quiet, things are stable. I say we go back home to heat up our asses, and get ready for the next chuunin exam now."

Raidou shuffled his hair, his head low. "I agree with him, Kakashi, even if it's 'cause he wants to go back to Yugao," added the scarred man, his face holding a tired but laughing smile. "However, it's your word. What're we doing ?"

The scarecrow said nothing, pounding both sides. It was true that their three men team was going nowhere, and they were not able to find anything as of sort to bring back to Sandaime. The lead the Intel team had found a year ago with the scroll he had stolen had vanished. It was weird, and something definitely was not working. They were going back and forth in this game, and yet, they could not pinpoint what it was.

He sighed. The other part of his brain told him that he had a Christmas to be with his chuunin this year, and it was near that date. Slowly, he rose with hurting, frost bitten knees and looked back at his team.

"There's nothing much to do anyway. We've looked and search to an extent that will make the leaf visible where we don't want it to be. Let's go home."

Hayate and Raidou looked at each other exchanging smirks, knowing that there was a reason for Kakashi to go back home. Hound would have driven them to an unbearable extent until they would definitely be sure there was nothing else, not just made assumptions of it.

"For shinobis, you guys are easily readable," muttered Kakashi who was already leaping form tree to tree in front of them.

***

Iruka took his seat beside Kouta-sensei, taking a sip of his tea - a strong tasting one, today. He did not know why he had been requested to this meeting, but waited patiently as the Hokage finished putting order in his papers. Kouta-sensei was reading his pad, absentmindedly taking sips from his cup as well.

"I am happy you could join us Iruka. I heard that you were doing very well at the academy."

"Thank you Hokage-sama. I am working at the best of my capacities," he answered, smiling timidly.

"You've made a lot of progress in three years, and Kouta-sensei and I wanted to give you more opportunities." Hiruzen took a puff from his old wooden pipe. "There is an opening in the city administration that might be interesting for you," he stated slowly. "We think that if you feel ready for it, you should be taking some hours at the mission desk."

Iruka said nothing, but his hands were shaking lightly. He dared not to look at anyone, and instead found the wooden floor very interesting.

"You don't have to give us an answer for now," intervened Kyoshi. "However, from my evaluation and from the progress you've made thus far, I am certain that it would help you greatly." Iruka knew that Kouta was expending his chakra to him, and he could feel it.

However, he was scared, scared when he would have to face other shinobis. What if they knew the truth, his mind kept telling him. Sure, his cemetery friend had understood, and the teachers at the academy had not been harsh to him, they were even very nice.

They could not always control the outcome of a mission... "I... I'll take it, Hokage-sama, Kouta-sensei," he heard his voice say. Could he really do it?

"Are you sure, Iruka?" There was concern in the eyes of Sandaime. When the chuunin simply nodded, he put his old pipe on his desk and pulled out a form and a pen. "Good. I will ask you to fill all the requested information here."

As the dolphin started to write on the paper, Kyoshi pressed on, "You won't be manning the desk full time. You will only do two to three hours a week for a start, and progressively, as we see how you're doing, we will adjust your schedule.

Don't worry," he added as he saw the chuunin giving him a nervous glance, "we won't be taking away the classes you have at the academy."

"Thank you," Iruka said, giving the filled form in the old hands of Sandaime. Finally looking at the wrinkled eyes of his leader, his hands gripped his pants forcefully. "I- I don't want to go back on the field, Hokage-sama... Unless it is absolutely necessary," he added rapidly.

Sarutobi smiled wisely, agreeing silently with Kouta Kyoshi who was nodding his head lightly. "We understand that much, Iruka. However, I can't say that you won't be ever called again to go on a mission."

Iruka let out a breath he did not know he was keeping. "I understand, Hokage-sama."

Crossing his hands on his desk, he eyed the form vaguely. "Since this is clarified, you will start in two weeks, and you will be teamed up with Shiranui Genma, a tokubetsu jounin. I will give you more information in our next meeting, as it was requested by Kouta-sensei." The Umino’s brown eyes widened slightly, before a small smile graced his lips. "Do you have any questions?"

"No, Hokage-sama. Thank you for your consideration."

After bowing politely and exiting the office, Umino was flexing his hands to make blood circulating again. He had been nervous, nervous that his request would be denied. He knew that usually chuunins were not to stay so long at one place, but he had no desire to go back on the field.

"You did well, Iruka-sensei," softly said Kouta, cleaning his glasses with a part of his white coat.

Smiling timidly, Iruka scratched his scar. "Why, thanks to you, Kouta-sensei. It means a lot to me that you offered a second meeting, if I should be changing my mind in those two weeks."

And the greying man said nothing, simply smiled back, placing his glasses back on his nose, and left quietly.

***

"You sure he'll come, boss?" asked the pug unceremoniously, sitting on the cold brown ground.

It had not snow, in the end. And it was with a a pinch in his heart that Hatake studied the muddy frozen cemetery.

Kakashi grunted, ruffling his hair. "Yes, he will. It's not because he's late that it means he won't be here."

The ninken looked back at him as if he had grown a second head. "That's not because it's your case that he is the same as you, you know?"

"Whatever. Who asked you your opinion anyway?"

"Why would I be here, then?" came the sarcastic remark.

The scarecrow rolled his eye and counted to ten mentally. “Because you insisted to see him, since last time I didn’t let you tell him merry Christmas. You’re the one who said he smelled funny but was a nice guy.”

“And he still smells funny...” grumbled the pug. Kakashi wondered idly if he his ninken was aware that he was waving his tail in such a ‘dog’ way.

“Sorry I’m late,” breathed out Iruka.

“No problem, Sensei,” said Kakashi happily, smiling. “I had Pakkun waiting with me, here.”

“Oh, great! It’s nice to see you, Pakkun.” He smiled joyfully, kneeing in front of Kakashi’s summon, bowing his head.

“Same thing here. You should bring me here more often, boss, there’s finally someone nice to me!”

“Just tell him what you are here for,” snapped the scarecrow. Iruka chuckled softly at their antics, the pug smiling and Kakashi hiding his face behind his hands.

“Merry Christmas, Sensei,” barked happily the little ninken, his tail wriggling in a new fashion.

Iruka smiled tenderly, scratching his scar. “Well, thank you. Merry Christmas to you too.” A sharp teeth grin, and Pakkun had already ‘poof’ed out of existence. “He left in a hurry!”

“Yeah, I know,” explained Kakashi, taking Iruka’s hand to help him back on his feet, “he has pups to be with.”

“Oh! I didn’t know he was a father. I would have ask him to tell his family merry Christmas for me.”

Kakashi gently squeezed Iruka’s hand as the dolphin started to let his go. “No worry here, Sensei,” he said in a voice he hoped was reassuring.

Iruka smiled timidly, wondering if Kakashi meant the hand or the pug’s family. “Hum, you know... I’ve, huh, wanted to give you something for Christmas. No, no, don’t be sorry if you don’t have any. It’s not something big, don’t worry about it. Here.”

And Kakashi watched Iruka slowly take his hand out of his, watched him slowly take off his red scarf that he wore each winter. He dared not move as Iruka wrapped up warmingly the scarf around his neck with trembling hands. Which hands he took firmly in his.

The ponytail haired man laughed nervously, and the scarecrow could see his brown eyes glimmering with tears. “’Karu gave it to me, and now, I want you to have it.”

“Why?” whispered Kakashi, afraid to break the strange moment that was taking place.

Seconds passed by as Iruka seemed trying to find the right answer, bitting his chiseled lips. But no answers were taking form in his head, and his stomach was starting to make him feel sick from stress. Taking a small sharp breath, he dislodged his hand from Kakashi’s until it touched the jounin’s cheek, feeling him respond by pressing his cheek further in his hand.

His thumb slipped between the black fabric and the skin, and Iruka pulled it down the scarecrow’s neck. Without thinking, he closed the gap that had diminished between him and Kakashi for his lips to touch his.

At first, the silver haired man did not react, surprised by the boldness of the young man. And, slowly, his own eyes closed from their own accord, his lips moving accordingly to the tentative steps of the chuunin.

Hot breath touch their skin as they parted momentarily, and Kakashi did not hesitate to kiss the chiseled lips again tenderly. His hand let go of Iruka’s, moving to the brunette’s hair, while his arm circled the chuunin’s waist, holding him close. It felt right and good, his desire making himself known.

As the kiss became more heated, he felt hands on his torso, pushing him back gently. He broke the kiss with regret, and gave place to the chuunin. His face drained from every color as he saw the tears that streaked the tanned skin. “Are you alright?”

Iruka looked at the ground, rubbing his cheeks, before looking back at the handsome jounin.“Yes... I am.” He made a small watery smile. “It’s just, it’s overwhelming. I... It seemed easier in my mind, you know... this.”

He said nothing, only nodded back. He did not know exactly how he felt: being happy for something that was so big for the man he liked, but at the same time he was afraid that it was maybe too much. He ruffled his hair, weirdly feeling the cold on his nose. “Look, take your time. Once you feel ready, I’ll be here.”

“I know,” he answered quietly, squeezing Kakashi’s gloved hand, turning around to leave. “Oh! And merry Christmas...” he started in a wobbly voice.

“Kakashi.”

“... Kakashi.”

“Merry Christmas, Sensei.”

“Iruka.”

Kakashi chuckled sweetly, before smiling. “Merry Christmas, Iruka-sensei.” Kakashi watched his chuunin walk away, smelling the red scarf that would keep him from the cold as his mind impregnated the sweet scent.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

He would have liked for things to go differently, for them to bring Iruka to him. Instead, he was here, in the mud, lashing kunais at tireless enemies and trying to keep sense of who was dying and who was not through too many fired jutsus.

He could still feel Gai on his left, a few meters ahead, dealing with two shinobis, as he kept trying to put down his two on his side. They were strong and resourceful, even if they clearly were not in their element; Suna shinobis in Mist country, Kakashi had a hard time understanding what was happening here.

Bending as he heard a bark, the kunai that threatened to cut the nape of his neck slashed though the wind. Kakashi did not wait and spined on his heels, extending his arm in the same motion. His kunai met clothes, and his grip felt resistance as it opened his enemy’s abdomen, blood and bile spraying freely. His other hand clasped the Suna ninja’s forearm, utilizing this momentum to pull his enemy toward him and push the blade through his throat.

Dark brown eyes looked at him in pure, agonizing terror, as blood made the dying sixteen year old boy choked helplessly as he desperately tried to take any ragged breath. Tremors coursed through the body one or two times, before falling limply.

Shit. From the corner of his sharingan, he knew he had no time to turn around and block the blow that was coming at his head from behind. The one he just killed was only a bait, and he had fallen for it. They were that desperate. If he twisted his body, maybe he could pull it off on his shoulder instead.

Just as he was moving as best as he could, Bull jumped over him, snapping the jaw of the one who had just thrown the earth jutsu. He had taken the blow forcefully, but still clamped at the gesticulating rag doll trying to shake him off with pressure points. The killing intent emanating from Bull’s chakra was pervasive; his ninken wanted that one for himself. Brave dog.

He heard strangled sounds and whines more than he saw the man and dog cry, feeling he had to help Gai, focusing entirely on him, hands already forming seals before slamming the muddy ground with his palm. He felt the chakra make its way from his arm to the ground, his muscles hurting with violent spasms as he draw what he could to make something efficient.

His body went stiff momentarily as he could not keep himself from falling on one knee, seeing the earth wall appearing near Gai, merely slowing down the water spear. Freaking earth was not stiff in these lands, more watery clay than nothing else. And stupid earth jutsus that cost so much chakra.

But Konoha’s Green Beast was not some lowly shinobi, and used the opportunity to slam his adversary with a front kick that surely shattered his sternum and rib cage, colliding with the wall, the spear tearing through his torso. As the body fell with a dull thud, convulsing on the ground forcefully for what seemed like eternity, Kakashi saw the mist nin’s eye widen, weakly attempting to stop his shaking.

It was _their_ time now.

They all moved mostly at the same time, the one fleeing for his life obviously in a better shape than them, Gai leaping from branches to branches as fast as he could in his injured state to catch up, and Kakashi trying to stand up. His tights protested vehemently as the silver haired jounin pushed himself from his position, and he knew he would not be able to pursue any further.

Resigning himself, he nipped his thumb, formed the required seals and hit the ground with his open hand again. The world spun around him, feeling suddenly very weak, nausea hitting him. Still, he could not let his body ask for rest, not now.

“Boss, what do you request?” came the quick question. Kakashi looked at a composed Akino, serious stance behind smoked glasses. Ears were flat against his head, his fast breathing showing his apprehension of the chase.

“Follow Gai’s scent, and capture the Mist nin. I need him alive.”

No more words were needed, and his powerful legs were already taking him on the trail of the Green Beast. Even if the mud and the spongy earth did not help, his long legs could bring him faster to the objective than the shinobi in green clad tailing him restlessly, almost grabbing him.

They were not too far, Akino knew the green guy had surely been able to pull some tricks to slow his prey down. Passing Gai, he went faster, his beating heart deafening him, his sole idea was to grab his objective.

Three strides more, one last push from his behind legs in a powerful jump, and his teeth bit the soft flesh of the left shoulder, blood seeping his tongue, alluring his senses. From the force of the impact, the bodies stumbled from one another, slipping on the ground.

If the human was confused, Akino was already on his legs and jumping on his prey. But that man had good reflexes and had move unexpectedly fast to avoid his bite. Still, he would not let him grab any weapon as he saw the left right arm clutching a kunai. He leapt at him with more force, pushing him on the ground, clasping his sharp teeth on his elbow, feeling the bones cracking and ligaments ruptured, his gut reeling as he heard the cry of pain.

Yet, he was not able to pin the other arm with his legs. Too bad he did not have the pack with him. they had been called two times already, the fight long enough once that the summoning had finished. He let the first arm go, and tried to bit the second one, just as Gai tried to keep the Sand nin not to swallow what he had taken.

The fool smell of acid, feces and urine filled his nose even before death reaped the life out of the dying man.

“Damn,” breathed out Maito Gai, cleaning his hand of the foam by rubbing it on his pants. Not that it helped really, only putting more mud on his palm.

Standing there, waiting for his Boss’ friend to finally see that the enemy was dead, felt awful. He did not understand how, if human shinobi had so little stamina, they could survive in the wilderness of life. A mystery that summons had a hard time understanding sometimes.

With a look at the now brown soaking dog who was still shaking from the fight, Maito did not need to talk that Akino already knew his next job. He started running again, his legs pushing him with renewed energy. He himself was surprised that his sheer body felt so restless.

He found Kakashi mostly at the same spot, already moving the cadavers in an attempt to hide them. And by his exhausted look, the ninken was sure that if he wanted to play dead, he would have won the challenge. His pale skin seemed even more colorless other than the bruises appearing on his face and at places where his clothes had teared up; and from time to time he had to stop to control his muscles that were trembling too much.

As he helped him pull the body in some ramification of the march, where water gained some depth, he wondered if it was kind of useful, in fact, since the fighting site reeked of feces, bile, and blood.

“It’s better than nothing, Akino,” said in a tired voice Kakashi.

“I said nothing, Boss.” And it was true.

Kakashi sighed. “You don’t even have to speak anymore, I guess.” He kept silent a moment, taking his breath. Nausea was coming back at full force, and his body was starting to tell him he was abusing his resources. “If I can understand Bull without him talking like the rest of you.”

Gai stopped next to them, handing the glasses to Akino. “Here, fierce companion of my eternal rival, those have fallen while you fought bravely to help our cause.”

“Huh, sure thing.” Akino had a hard time to keep his cool self as Gai put them back on his nose, and Kakashi would have smirked if he still felt able to do so. “Anyway, my time’s running up. I wasn’t able to capture the objective, and the Mist shinobi committed suicide. Good luck, Boss,” and the usually red dog ‘poof’ed out of existence.

Yeah, he thought grimly, so much for luck. “Let’s go find someplace safe, then you can tell me what happened.”

***

Iruka stretched his back, rising from his chair with a grunt. It never made it well to sit there for so many hours with no pause. But corrections and grading kept him from staying nervously at his window to no end at least.

The ticking of the clock was the only loud sound he could hear, and from time to time the fridge would be humming in companionship. One o’clock in the morning, reminded the old thing. He had never changed it since his parents.

Sure, he could have graded in the morning, with a rested mind and with less coffee in his system. However, instead of turning around in his bed, replaying his latest nightmares to no end, or making the vigil for hours, he could use some utility in his fretting.

Pouring himself a glass of water to help with dehydration that came from taking so much caffeine, he could not help but wonder about Hatake. It had been some months now that he had seen him. The snow that had finally settled had enough time to melt, and the hot season was slowly taking its rightful place after such a freezing winter.

He could not keep himself from thinking if it was because of his reaction at the kiss that had made his silver haired jounin to stay away that long. Himself had a hard time understanding what had happened. First he was thinking how to explain the scarf and the importance held in it, and the next he was kissing him.

The feeling that had settled in his stomach had been so strong, it had startled him. Knots that had been there for many hours disappeared, and instead he was filled with a heat he was sure he would never have felt again. Not after Hikaru. And then this is where everything went wrong in his head.

He was starting to forget her. He was not able anymore to remember her lips press onto his, the nibbling and the panting. He was not able to remember exactly what it felt to embrace her and hold her tight against him. Holding her hand, kissing her forehead, telling ‘I love you’ after making love tenderly. All of this to make sure they would never forget those simple things that meant so much at that moment, to never forget her if a mission was to go wrong.

He scoffed darkly, crossing his arms on his chest, taking a sip of water. He was able to remember her brown hair, her blue eyes, her delicate peach skin, but he had a hard time remembering the scent of her shampoo, of the clothes she wore. And what hurt even more was that he could not even remember what her voice sounded like.

He put the empty glass in the sink, and poured himself some more coffee. It hurt to realize that he was truly moving on. Sometimes, a little voice was still trying to pull at his darkest thoughts, but it was so faint and usually silent that he dismissed it without much of a thought.

Slowly but surely, Kakashi was there instead. The coffee morning at the memorial stones, the way he was able to take out the honest part of his being, and at the same time to irk him with almost nothing. He understood him, he understood his darkest traits and his past. They shared that connection somehow differently than with any other shinobi. Iruka liked to think it was because they both felt responsible for the death of a loved one.

Looking at a sleepy Konoha, he gazed through the night at the Hokage Monument. His apartment may be small and a little far from the academy, he could still enjoy the view from his spot. He scratched his scar before putting a strand of hair behind one of his ear. Standing there at the window made him feel that, maybe, he would see him come back safely through the streets or some rooftops.

He _missed_ him.

Smiling sadly, he went back to his grading after a look at his old thing ticking. One thirty now. He did not want to guess sleeping, for experiencing once again the torture and hear the cracking sound of the neck of his late fiancée made him sick.

***

“We have nothing to bring to the Hokage,” sighed Kakashi, ruffling his hair. He tried to adjust his posture, resulting only in a violent protestation from his muscles.

“Your loyal hound and I tried to stop his manly action, but to no avail,” explained Gai, crouched near the entrance of the cave. “If I had been able to reach him faster, we would have gain information.”

“Not your fault Gai. You did the best you could. At least we know there’s something happening with Mist and Sand.” He closed his eye, trying to calm his pounding headache.

Why was it that Gai seemed to fare better than him? He was sure that there was some link to make with the techniques used by the Green Beast, and the fact that he was not using chakra.

“Are we really sure? It could be that those youthful men were not what we thought they were.”

They said nothing more, mulling over the facts they could not piece together. Since four years now that there was this weird activity appearing and disappearing from time to time; the Intel Department had not been able to find what it was exactly. At first, it was near Wind country, until it moved to Earth country, and now more than lately, it ended up in Mist.

While checking for a new ninja installment they heard rumors about that was taking place somewhere near Mist country, they had fallen on a six men team, composed of missing-nins, Sand nins and Mist nins. “Hmm. It’s weird. We’re running way too much on rumors and not enough certainty. And it’s getting annoying. So much for peace...”

Gai handed him some ration bars and dry meat. “Perhaps. However, I must say that our wonderful youth of genin teams have the greatest chances to become strong shinobis, surpassing us even.”

Kakashi looked at him with a bored gaze. His best friend was way too optimistic. “Perhaps. Anyway, we’ll take off for Konoha in some hours. We can’t risk to be found again.” Gai only nodded, and fiddled to patch his minor wounds.

They had been lucky to pull it out from this fight with not much than chakra exhaustion, bruises and more or less deep cuts. It would take a long time before reaching Konoha in this state, that he knew.

***

She could not help but wonder how a strong willed man he was. Somehow, he had been able to pull his head above the water through hardship, and still found time to do his job to the best of his capacities. Even if at first he was not at ease with the other shinobis of the mission room, he had finally took a place between them.

No one had questioned him, and they simply accepted him. Iruka was a man that was hard not to like, even if his temper would sometime flare. He never was too boisterous – not that she had not heard of some yelling taking place before, principally against the Kyuubi brat – but reminded people that they had to be conscientious of their job. She smiled as she saw the jounin in front of her obliged to take back his report.

“Please, there are still empty cases that need to be filled, not to say that if you do have some time, the Mission Desk would gladly accept a better written report. Until you get the most important parts covered, it is impossible for us to make any payment,” he explained in a modulated voice.

As she became first in line while the other jounin mumbled about pushovers and left, Umino grinned as he saw her. “Kurenai, it’s been some weeks now. I hope everything went well with your mission.”

“Thank you for your worries, but everything went as needed.” She waited for him to check the formalities of the scroll before going on. “Do you have time later on?”

“Actually, I could use a break. Just give me a few minutes.” She nodded, and sat on the couch he mentioned with his hand. She saw him simply referring the few left to others, closing his place.

Grabbing his satchel, he joined her. “So, is there someplace you prefer to go to?”

They opened the door and a rush of wind blew forcefully in. “Just about a few minutes of walk, there’s this teahouse. Is it okay?”

“No problem. So, how is it to be jounin?”

She smiled. “Responsibilities, they hang over our heads even more.”

He chuckled, to which she was not sure if she had heard nervousness. “Yeah, I guess. Congrats, by the way. I learned not so long ago.”

“Thank you.” She pushed the door open as they entered the teahouse, fruity aromas and spices filled their nose. She leaned toward him as she took a place, “What’s up with your secret jounin?”

Iruka shook his head, rolling his eyes. He smiled nonetheless. “Not much.”

She took a small moment to order for both of them. “So, what’s the name?” Truth be told, she knew who it was. Well, silver hair gave her good intel. Still, she knew it was not easy for Iruka to simply go to another guy, and she simply tried to let him do the steps by himself.

“I, huh, prefer not to breach the subject, Kurenai.” She could not keep her eyebrows from rising. “It’s just that we have stuff to clear, yet.”

“Huh-huh. The only thing that I don’t understand in your politic secrecy here.”

“I don’t know. I suppose it’s the mysterious stuff that makes me drawn toward him.” He took a sip of his white cup. He smiled as she laughed. “And you, with your bearded guy, is it serious now?”

The glint in her eyes made him almost regret the question. Almost.

***

Kakashi tiredly walked to the chuunin sitting at their midway spot. He had hoped he would be there, especially since he had not been able to come sooner. He was back in town for over two weeks now, but was forced to take lots of rest.

Suspiciously, Asuma and the others made sure he would not be leaving his apartment so easily, taking time to come and talk with him. He had been surprised. He did not remember people taking care so much of him, not since his ANBU days.

Finally able to escape his home, he was happy to reach the memorial stones, extending his chakra to the lazily sitting form. “Hey, Iruka,” he waved his hand in a mean of a ‘hello’, “it’s been a while.”

“Hey,” he replied, rising awkwardly from his sitting position, scratching his nose. “Hum, coffee?”

He smiled. “Yes, thank you.” This time, he took care of his mask and slipped it down his neck.

“I- I was afraid you wouldn’t come back,” Iruka tentatively said, studying how bony Hatake was since their last meeting.

“Maa, Sensei, your worries touch me. I had a good teammate to keep me alive, my skills only wouldn’t be enough.” Kakashi noted how the bags under the brown eyes seemed worse than ususal. “You seem tired. You shouldn’t worry so much for me, you know.” Iruka simply smiled, saying nothing more, looking at the ground.

The silence was awkward, and Iruka did not know what he was suppose to say. He had been thinking this over and over again, but nothing seemed to be working anymore in his mind. His friend had said that when he felt ready, he would be there, no?

“I’ve got hours at the mission desk now!” Way to go, Iruka. If he wanted to make his stress go away, it was certainly not like this.

A grey eyebrow rose. “I’m sure you’re doing a tremendous job at it, Sensei.”

“Thanks. I wasn’t sure if I was ready, but it feels nice. I am a shinobi of the leaf, Kakashi. And I’m proud of it.” They smiled at each other, and Kakashi simply took the bare tan hand in his gloved one. “Kiss me,” Iruka whispered bluntly, staring in the lone grey eye.

Kakashi blinked, and tried to see if the teacher was truly serious. Well, he was sure that the determined look could not be that more piercing.

He slowly closed the distance between the two of them, his left hand reaching for Iruka’s cheek. They could feel their breathing, and Kakashi was still looking for any indication of protest in the eyes of the man he liked, but only found certainty.

He closed his eye and reach for the sweet, hot lips with his, and was surprised by the passion that was given in return. He felt Iruka embrace him with his hole body, leaning in him, holding him tight with his arms roaming on his back. Tongues soon battled hungrily, and Kakashi could taste salt – surely from ramen. Had he not been drinking the coffee already?

Taking a sharp intake of breath, he saw that he had also embrace the chuunin just as much. He smiled, “What happened while I was away?”

Iruka’s eyes narrowed playfully, and he simply backed away for a more reasonable distance. “I’ve thought too much for my own well being, and haven’t talked enough about what I wanted in my life.”

Kakashi chuckled lightly. “You’re feeling alright?” he dared ask. He could see that Umino was still nervous, yet he had not run away.

Putting back a strand of hair gone loose, he nodded. “Yeah... It was great. Just that it might takes some time still for me to completely get somehow comfortable with my own feelings.”

The small smile that braced the full lips was a proud one, and the grey eye was understanding. Because Kakashi knew that he was scared too. Scared that one day what would blossom from this loving relationship would have to stop because he would not come back home.

 


	12. Chapter 12

As days passed, they started to get to know each other more, simply by hanging from time to time outside of the cemetery. It was mostly at Kakashi’s place at first, talking and eating together, enjoying each other company, but sometimes at a bar with Izumo and Kotetsu, Kurenai joining them from time to time along with Genma.

Discovering who they were outside of the cemetery was interesting for both of them. It did not change a lot of their perception of the other, but simply added information, more flesh around the bone. Surprisingly, Kakashi had not as many books as he thought he had – seeing him with a new orange book was a common sight. Only a pretty empty bookshelf was up in a corner of the living room, near the dinning table. And not surprisingly for Kakashi, Iruka mostly lived on ramen on a basic schedule.

“Aren’t you tired of eating always the same thing?” he had to ask, one evening that he had invited him for a date at his place. It was nothing fancy, Kakashi not liking restaurants where people would absolutely have to swoon in front of him. Instead, he had ordered takeouts.

Iruka laughed. “Actually, I hate cooking. It’s long, and I don’t have much time, even if I don’t go on missions. Don’t look at me with that dumfounded face, it’s true!”

“Really. I have a hard time telling the truth apart here,” he replied in sing song tone, pouring more sake in their cups.

“In fact, from time to time I like having any dishes that contain fish. And no, this is not a bad pun with my name.” He tried to keep his serious face as Kakashi laughed, but his grin was way too persistent.

Sitting on Kakashi’s bed, huddled side by side, Iruka could say that he had a great time. It was way better than when he had those evenings with Mizuki, where they would laugh and have fun, but mostly talk about how many people and shinobis were not doing their job right. And when they would not be judging people, he usually had to put up with a very demanding Mizuki on the kissing part even if he did not want to.

In fact, the first time they had kiss, it was not because he had wanted it, but because Mizuki took the initiative. He had push him off gently, and asked for it to not happen again, but that man was persistent, and Iruka had finally just let him be after the various attempts. Until he had push him roughly when he had felt hands groping him rudely. Not to say that it was the beginning of the downfall.

Kakashi, on his side, never asked more of him, and simply waited, as usual. He would let Iruka make the first steps, which was not really what could be call ‘making out’, since it would generally stop as soon as the kisses got too heated. Yet, no remarks were made, and he would then simply lay against him as the jounin stroke his hair. By the hungry looks he was given, he knew that the silver haired man contained himself.

“’Kashi?”

“Hmm?” came the sleepy reply.

“I’m having a hard time understanding Mizuki. Why, from someone who seemed so intent on hating Naruto, he is so nice with him?”

Kakashi’s brows furrowed. He had taken off his forehead protector to be more comfortable at his own place. “What makes you say that?”

He stayed silent, trying to recall everything that made him feel that way. Tipsy from the sake, he was not sure anymore of his thoughts. “I don’t know. I must be imagining things, that’s all,” he finally said, rising. Kakashi hold took a hold of his black shirt.

“Don’t you want to sleep here? It’s already late, and I know my bed’s not too big for two, but I wouldn’t mind at all,” said Kakashi seductively, wriggling his eyebrows.

Iruka smiled, but shook his head. “No, I’ll go. I’ve got classes in morning.”

It bothered him, since he knew he was living near the academy compared to Iruka who he had walked back home before, yet he did not voice his concern. “Alright.” He stood up, accompanying him to his door.

“See you soon, and come back safe,” whispered the chuunin after a good bye kiss.

“For sure I will. I still have to make a genin team fail again that year,” he said with a smug smile. Iruka chuckled, closing the door.

***

Iruka slowly got inside his apartment, his upper body stiff and hurting terribly. It had been a long and painful day, even if he had only been manning the mission desk. Somehow, to ask all those jounins and chuunins alike to correct their work, to get up from his chair to the scrolls filling cabinet had been harder than what he had thought it would be. It surely was also linked to the fact that it was the end of the week.

“This is my place,” greeted Iruka, letting Kakashi enter. “It’s small, but comfortable.”

“There’s nothing to worry about, Sensei,” he answered lightly. The two room and a half apartment looked old and plain, but was tidy. Iruka had some notes on his fridge coupled with some abstract drawings, but nothing more that showed anyone lived here. It seemed like they were on the same idea of a home, though his place was a little more lively with his books and Mr. Ukki.

He let the satchel slump on the ground, gently nudging Iruka to move further in. “Here, let me help you.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, his boyfriend slowly helping him to take off his jacket. He had not thought that his wounds would take so much time before they stopped hurting. He was not bleeding, they were clearly closed, but somehow the pain was not going away.

The way the shoulders slouched and Iruka’s posture slightly bent, Kakashi knew that the brown eyed man was finally letting the image of a capable shinobi behind. “Need help for cleaning your wounds?” There was no answer, only a tired nod. “Just tell me where you put your first aid kit.”

“Bathroom.”

As Kakashi busied himself, Iruka slumped on one of the wooden chair, untying his rueful hair. It was not too long before the other was back, helping him to take off his long sleeve shirt, holding back a few hiss. He chuckled as he felt long fingers brushing his ribs while bandages were taken off.

“Easily tickled, Sensei?” came the playful tone.

“Stop calling me that. In your mouth, it sounds dirty.” Kakashi laughed heartily, but said nothing more.

He did not need to, letting his touch convey his feeling, following the muscles longer than needed as he worked first on the smaller wounds present on his torso. His grey eye was intently fixed on the tanned skin, and Iruka was impressed by the way the man was able to talk without saying a thing, still entirely focused on the main task.

He felt hands resting on his tights as Kakashi quietly asked him to turn around, sending jolts of pleasure through his groin. Keeping his face as stoic as he could, he rested his arms on the back of the chair as cool fingers diligently put some cream on the gash.

“He clearly wanted to kill you,” came the soft remark.

Iruka turned his head as much as he could, only to see a furrowed brow. The remark did not held any hatred or rage, but the chakra surrounding Kakashi felt heavy. “Hmm. He always had this dark side to him. I should have known.”

Kakashi halted his work, cleaning his hand on a towel he had left aside before resting his both hands on Iruka’s side, leaning toward him. Shivers ran on the chuunin’s spine as he felt hot breath near his right ear, “You did a great job, Sensei. Anyone who’d fallen on Naruto at that time would have killed him without trying to understand what was truly happening.”

Iruka had been surprised that Kakashi had not shown his anger more than this reserved reaction when he had found out about his state. He had thought that Kakashi would have try to kill the man. Yet, the chakra since felt heavy, and you knew that it was his strong mind that kept him from lashing out.

He had simply shook his head, his face becoming a deep portray of fatigue and deception, and had simply helped Iruka as much as the man let him. Sure, Iruka had been able to walk and move as if everything was not this bad because of the great job the medic had pulled, but when the pain was merely bearable.

Iruka had a hard time to keep his composure as Kakashi deliberately trailed kisses down his back.“Th- Thank you. I simply looked... underneath the underneath.” He closed his eyes, his fists tightening, reeling in the sensation.

The jounin smiled, before pulling back and bandage the other again. “When you’ll feel better, I’ll take all this tension away,” he whispered in a husky voice.

Iruka said nothing and looked away. “Sure.” Even if he tried to look convincing, he knew by the stare Kakashi gave him for a brief second meant that the man knew something was off. Yet, he stayed silent and simply did as if nothing had been said, putting everything back to its place.

Rising, he went to his kitchen to make some tea. “So, the kids were good to pass your test this morning?” He was not sure if he had been able to keep the nervousness away from his voice.

“Yup, they were good. I guess they’ll do a good job once they’ll understand more of teamwork.”

Iruka smiled as he went to sit beside the jounin on his beige old couch. “I’m sure you’ll be a great sensei, ‘Kashi.” He could not help but think that the lone expressive grey eye was even more beautiful with the expressive full lips to smile with it.

“You know,” Kakashi started after a moment of companionable silence, “I always wondered why you never asked or said a thing about my mask.”

The shy look he got back made it worth the ask. “Everyone have secrets they don’t want to share with anybody. I guess I just automatically accepted that you were that kind of people.”

Kakashi took their cups away, putting them on the small table, before leaning over Iruka with grace, kissing him gently. Pulling away, he stared in the dreamy brown eyes. “You know that if there’s anything, you can talk to me about it, hmm?”

He could not keep himself from staring in the lone grey eye, hypnotized by the raw emotion he could find. “I know. Thank you.” A short silence settled, and Iruka did not know what to do of this affirmation. He was saved as he heard Kakashi’s stomach grumbled. “Have you at least taken time to eat today? Let’s go see if Zu’ and Ko’ wish to go out.”

Kakashi wanted to sigh, but simply plastered a smile to his face and let the chuunin take him away once he put back his shirt, not saying a word.

Iruka’s way of fleeing those situations frustrated him endlessly. He knew that at some point he should have been asking questions on the reactions he could see when they were kissing. At first, he had thought it was because of his lost love, but then more and more Iruka would be opened and asked to be kissed. Kakashi felt that the man with whom he shared such intimate part of his live was at ease with this aspect of their relationship. He kept remembering his mind that he was a patient man, and that he was not the kind of guy to pry into others’ life.

Well, he thought he was, and now he felt that he had no other options left. Kakashi was now lately pushing Iruka a little more, kissing him when he wanted, holding him close and showing how he felt at such kisses, needy hands taking what they could without breaking any barrier. He was even able to get some sounds out of him from licking and nibbling his neck, but this was all he felt reasonable to do.

And an afternoon, his hands were roaming on the defined torso, touching and pinching, making sure to not push Iruka too hard on his back, afraid it would hurt even after those months. Their lips were crushing heatedly against each other, the pace and the desire rising as hands took handful of silver soft hair.

Iruka squirmed a little when Kakashi’s settled himself between Iruka’s legs, his hands starting to roam lower on his hips, but the chunnin kept kissing. Tongues were playing together and the jounin’s boldness rose as he heard a soft moan come from the tanned man as he rubbed his hips against the other’s. His hands unbuttoned the green pants in a swift move, gripping the hardened manhood hidden under grey boxers, eliciting an other throaty moan. It sounded so right and exciting, his own member pulsing from desire.

However, as he felt Iruka’s hands now on his back clenching forcefully, he retracted. The brown eyes were clouded, and he had a hard time telling if it was from lust or because he was triggering something. “Is everything alright?” The swollen chiseled lips formed a thin line, and Iruka shook his head. “Have you ever done it with a man?”

A nod. But the chuunin was not saying a thing, and Kakashi could not decipher exactly what was that Iruka could not express. “I- There- Just... Back off, please.”

He did as he was asked, never letting his eyes leave the now bundled form holding his head in his hands. “Have I done something wrong?” he asked, his voice tight, softly reaching for his boyfriend’s shoulders.

“Don’t,” snapped back Iruka as he felt the light touch.

“Talk to me.” Kakashi was trying to reign his emotions, to not sound so desperate.

“I- I need some time for myself.”

“Are you sure?”

Defiant eyes locked on him, annoyed. “I know what I don’t want, Kakashi. And, right now, what I don’t want is you pushing me.”

Kakashi said nothing, his mind taking control of what could have been the wrong things to say. Just take it as a mission, then, he slowly said to himself. “Alright. You know where I’ll be once you feel better,” he clearly voiced, before leaving.

But the chuunin had not come back since weeks between what he thought was a fight and the Wave country protection mission. As he waited at the cemetery, he could not comprehend what was happening. Was it over? It seemed so, seeing only each other from time to time through the mission desk, and Kakashi could not even say that they truly talked. What hurt the most was the fact that the tanned man was acting as if nothing had actually happened between the two of them.

Therefore, when the time came for the chuunin exam nominations, he found it hard containing his anger when Iruka dared speak against him. He knew that he was arrogant when angry, and that he should have listened to Kurenai who told him to stop. And now, as he was standing in front of his memorial stones, he could not keep himself from kicking his ass mentally for pulling the ranks to shut him up.

“I don’t think he’ll show Rin...” he grumbled. “I’ve definitely messed up, I suppose.”

He was tired, and he missed his chuunin with fierce pain. It had been a long time since Kakashi had not felt like this, afraid to finally lose someone again he had come to know and cherish. The memorial stones morning felt incomplete because he knew that this time, it was maybe over.

It was with surprise and a questioning glance that he saw Iruka make his way to him after some days. However, he kept his distance the morning he showed up, standing respectfully away from him. Keeping his hands in his pocket and controlling himself to not hide behind his Icha Icha, he instead just studied intently the man in front of him: he seemed more tired than usual, his hair a little greasy and his skin paler. Yet, nonchalant grey eye dared reserved brown eyes.

“What’s your problem, Kakashi?” It was asked without hesitation, on a demanding tone.

The silver haired man kept himself from scoffing. “I have none, Sensei. However, I dare say that you still have a few issues. Care to talk them out?” As he saw Iruka’s temper flare, he wondered if he was truly a genius in that case.

“What the hell! Have you seen how you acted back there, putting me down as if I was shit! I ask you for some time, to give me space, and this is how you react to all of this? So much for being the great Sharingan no Kakashi.”

Kakashi eyes dangerously narrowed. “You pushed me away after I blatantly tried to help you. I tried to talk to you, but _you_ acted as if nothing happened between us.”

“You say you tried to talk? You didn’t even try to breach any subject when I saw you. You go and assume things without asking. I- I’m just asking for your trust. Is it so hard for you to give me some?”

Kakashi could not keep himself this time from scoffing darkly. “And you think I don’t trust you? I give you things I haven’t given anyone answers for years.” He crossed his arms on his chest, and cocked his head on the side, looking annoyed. “If _you_ trusted me that much, Iruka, you would not have pull your crap like that in front of everyone.”

Iruka could not say a thing, gritting his teeth, trying to stop his voice from rising, with no work. “You moron! And you think that telling me to shut up is how you trust me! I thought that I could talk to you. But I suppose I was wrong. You’re like every other jounins who think of themselves so higher because I’m just an easy fucking chuunin who could not keep his teammate alive!”

“That’s not what...”

“Leave me alone, I don’t want to see you anymore,” he finished before puffing out of existence.

“... I said.” Kakashi sighed.

Shutting his eyes, counting to ten, he decided finally to make his leave. Anyway, it was not as if he was already that much late to meet with the brats to announce their nomination.

***

“Can’t say what’s wrong with the guy,” muttered Asuma, taking a puff of his ending cigarette. “He’s a pain, not knowing when it’s not his place to talk.”

Kakashi ruffled his hair and said nothing, simply drinking his coffee. He could clearly feel that Kurenai was not at ease with what she had heard. Or it could be because she was thinking of her team having to face Morino Ibiki. They just had told her moments ago what a sadist he was.

Still, Kakashi was happy to see her, and he was impress that she had already taken a team for her first year as a jounin and nominated them for the exams. She was a strong, capable woman, perfect for his bearded friend.

“Kakashi, I’ve known Iruka for some years now. I met him when I used to be chuunin, some time after you guys where busy with your new jounin status.” She gave a quick glance to Asuma, who had frowned grumpily and looked away; they surely had had a discussion about the matter, Kakashi thought. “There’s some nasty stuff that Iruka have experienced back when he tried becoming chuunin, which is not my right to talk about. I don’t think he’s truly angry at you, maybe just very lost.”

“I’m guessing you’ve talked with him lately,” he replied with a dead voice.

Asuma stood up curtly and moved further away, lighting a new cigarette, leaning on the railing. “Wathever,” he said gruffly, muttering in his beard.

Kurenai closed her eyes briefly, ignoring him. “Yeah, I have. He’s having a hard time to understand his own feelings, but he cares about you.”

“Hmm.“ He stayed silent for a while, finishing his now cold beverage, looking at his two friends lazily. “So, are you two dating?”

He was met with a chorus of indignation.

***

Iruka had tried between the classes and his shifts at the mission desk to go and talk with Kakashi. However, he had not been able to meet him, and he knew the latter would be busy training his team since they had only a month left before the end of the exam. Holding his shopping bags, he unlocked the door of his apartment. He could not help but feel lonely in his small place. Deep inside of him, he was afraid that the jounin would walk out of his life. Hell, he was already doing so.

He knew he had acted rashly without a once of rationalization. This man had a way to bring out the worst in his temper, and he had not even registered exactly what the other was saying that he had set his emotions free. Was it not what he had told himself after Hikaru’s death? To let himself say what he had on his mind, to tell as much the truth as he could and be honest?

Sighing, he store his groceries without too much attention, throwing away what he thought was not edible anymore. He had done his best until now, he had let Kakashi know that he thought he was ready by letting him do what he wanted to. Still, when his boyfriend had finally ventured and take the matters in his hand, just to say, he had panicked.

Pictures of his sensei, of the torture, words flowing through his mind, the shame flaring with brutal force in his guts. He had talk about it with Kurenai years ago, and had briefly broach the subject with his lost love, but he had never again looked for a man in his life. It was just normal for him to go to her now jounin friend once again to seek understanding.

“What are you afraid of?” she had asked quietly, sitting on a chair next to him.

He had stared in the caring ruby eyes, not knowing where to start. She was the only person he had thought of. He did not feel at ease of talking about this matter with Kouta-sensei, partly because he was also a man, and partly because he was only seeing him each two months now.

“I don’t know. It’s just that each time I hear myself make those noises, I remember what _he_ used to say. And I feel ashamed all over again. And last time... when ‘Kashi touched me, I felt how good it was, and I could not keep myself shut.” She said nothing, only nodded slowly. “I know that he won’t hurt me. Still... What if I’m not good. What if I deceive him and he break up with me? What if he thinks I’m disgusting?”

Holding his head in his hands, Kurenai patted his shoulder. “I’ve known Kakashi for quite some years now, ‘Ruka. He wouldn’t do that. Your sensei was a deranged jounin, and his pleasure was in torturing people.” No wonder he used to be in the T&I department, she thought. “Kakashi’s not the kind to judge hastily. And it’s been a couple of years you’ve been talking to one another now.”

And she was right, he knew. He had just never let any other men know about what had happened. When his sensei had died, he had thought nothing like this would ever need to be brought up again. Putting the water to boil for him to make himself ramens, Iruka could only hope that the message he had left in Kakashi’s mail box would be enough until he would see him again.

***

Kakashi tossed around, unable to find sleep. Kurenai’s word rang in his head without pause, and he wondered if he should try to put up with his chuunin. He was getting tired of the up and down emotional ride he had to put through with Iruka. But which relationship had never been one?

He knew that he loved the man, his genuine smile of happiness putting a balm on his delusional perception of the shinobi world. They could be more than tools, Zabuza had said it on the bridge. Still, being human meant having to compromise and surely get wounds that would sometimes never heal. Obito and Rin briefly appeared before his eyes, and he grunted.

He had found the small paper in his mail box, and had read over and over again the neatly written kanji until he could even remember them perfectly if he closed his eyes.

_I wish to talk with you. Can I still be part of your life?_

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Everything had gone wrong. To say otherwise would be foolishness. If he had knew, he would have gone to Kakashi sooner than later, and arrange things. And yet, he was there, lying in his bed, wondering when they would be able to talk. Should he go knock on his door?

He was not ready, and his body was still running on the stress of his last mission. It had not been a big one, Godaime knew his file and the reason behind his early retirement of field duty. Nonetheless, he had done his job as he had learn to: he had followed the leader, had fought a missing nin aiming for their mission commissioner and killed her through well thought traps. The mission was a success, and he was proud.

The big mess his nerves were, however, before _and_ after the mission, was another story. The nightmares were more vivid, everything so real he would wake up drench in sweat, his heart beating madly, phantom pain were they had broke the bones, burned some skin, cut his flesh. He had the impression he could feel the needles pierce his skin and the fool, thick taste contained in various vials was on his tongue and in his mouth all over again. His bathroom was his new friend since some days, and insomnia would be the lover in this hateful relationship.

Truth be told, he did not want to sleep yet and to make himself some coffee was the best option. Sadly, he did not have any grading to do, the academy still closed from the attack Konoha had endure. He could not wait for it to open again, and finally be able to put his stress away. During the day, he would help with the reconstruction and the paperwork at the mission desk. When they absolutely needed ninjas outside, he would have to go.

He had found out about the death of Kouta-sensei some days ago, when he had learned he had to meet a new psychnin. The old man had died the day Hiruzen lost his life. Coincidence? Iruka was not the kind of man to think of those. Half of their forces had died that day, anyway.

Still, it hurt, having the sensation of losing someone who truly understood him, and with whom he could talk of how he felt. Knowing that the knew jounin operating the office was definitely a paper-pushers angered him to no end. Let just say that the meeting had been short, the new psychnin only bothering to see if he was still operational on a basic level before simply send him back with the approval of his liability to work on the field. It was disappointing, and Iruka clearly did not feel at ease. Yet, he said nothing, knowing that everyone was submerged by what had happened.

Through all this mess, he had not seen Kakashi, but had heard of his whereabouts from Naruto. But he had not been able to confront his own self to go and see him. In a certain way, he felt horrible of doing so; the man was still his friend, was not he? Yet, it was up to him to make the first move, and Iruka could only take his life in his own hands for now. The death of Sarutobi had been hard, but he had to be strong with the others so they could break though it.

A look at his clock – two in the morning, he had been back for three hours now – and he went to his window, observing the city he called his home, especially rooftops.

A soft knock on the door startled him, and he tried his best to keep himself from throwing an explosive kunai at his door. This was the only thing that he disliked from his training as a shinobi, the time reaction, how the brain would decide through adrenaline the second that would tell if you lived or died. He had not remembered how hard it was to let the mission mind-set behind, to remember himself that he was home, and therefore was less likely to be betrayed.

As he open his door, he felt butterflies in his belly. “Hey. It’s been a while,” Kakashi said quietly, his aloof posture betrayed by tiredness.

“Yeah, it has.” He scratched his scar nervously, letting the jounin inside his apartment. “I didn’t thought you would come at this hour.” And he was the one thinking of knocking on Kakahi’s door.

He slipped down his mask, revealing a sheepish smile. “Oh, sorry. I saw the lights were on and that you were at your window. I just thought that you wouldn’t mind.”

“Oh, I don’t. Want some coffee?”

“Sure.” He silently thanked Iruka as he took the steaming mug, sitting down on the couch. “How are you?”

He sat beside him and ruffled his hair, sighing. “Saying that it’s been good would be lying.”

“Hmm. I think we all feel the same.” Life had gone awry. First Sandaime, then Sasuke. Kakashi had his share of having reality shoved back to his face lately. “What you told the kids was very nice of you.”

He smiled sadly. “Well, I simply looked at my own experience from losing my parents and comrades and... you know. They’ll have to live through it eventually, and as a teacher, I should be able to answer those kind of questions.”

Kakashi nodded slowly. And as a boyfriend, would he be able to answer those questions, he mused, taking a sip of his strong black beverage. “So, you said you wished to talk to me. I am here for that, Iruka.”

Hearing his name on those full lips somehow pained him. “Yes. I, huh, just wanted you to know that I do trust you. I do. It’s just that there are things I don’t wish to speak about.”

“Then don’t. I don’t want you to tell me everything.” Iruka looked at him. “But things that includes me need to be spoke of.”

“I- I know.” There was a silence. “I’ve done it with a man before, and I did like him, whatever the others said...” He was shaking lightly now, trying to find exactly what he had thought over and over again.“It’s just... I don’t know!” He ended putting his mug on the table as he stoop up and started pacing. “It hurt what he did to me, the way he put me down after the training, after the Chuunin Exam. And this is stupid, ‘cause I should have known, I should have been intelligent enough to see this happening. Because all the preparation he put me through, the torture and everything, I mean-”

Kakashi took his hand gently, stopping Iruka in front of him. “Whatever it is that has happened in the past, Iruka, it won’t influence what I think of you at this moment.”

Iruka bit his lips nervously, reserved. He tried to recall what he truly wanted to say, and to stop his mind from rambling in every direction. “I just don’t want you to think that... that I’m a slut because I like some _things_.” He closed his eyes, ashamed that all of this sounded so wrong in his ears. Opening them again, he locked his into the lone grey eye. “I’m afraid that you will turn your back on me, just like he did. I know, it sounds stupid, and maybe I am, but I can’t shake this off.”

Kakashi’s lips became a thin line, his expression still soft and opened. He knew, like every time before, that there was something underneath this, but he left it at that. He did not need the whole story, he could picture it. Letting his empty mug on the table, he pulled down the nervous man for him to sit on his laps so that the silver haired jounin was settled between Iruka’s legs. “You are not stupid. Someone who takes advantage of another because of his rank should not be a shinobi of the Leaf.

Yet, I know that I did it at the nomination, and I’m sorry that I’ve been so harsh. I was angry at you for pushing me aside.” Iruka smiled sadly. “I don’t judge you for that. There are times that we can’t speak to the ones near us, because they are near us. And I don’t want you to tell me everything that happened in your life if you don’t want to – those are your secrets – but, at least, help me understand where I stand in it.”

Iruka said nothing, simply kissed him deeply, circling his arms around his neck, taking hands of silver hair. Pulling away, he smiled. “I love you, that’s where you stand.”

Kakashi grinned, and kissed him back heatedly, holding his chuunin close to his body, feeling warmed. It had been so long since that last kiss, that last moment they had been the two of them together, enjoying each others company, tongues battling together playfully, both trying to win.

He broke the kiss, panting, his left hand playing with the untied brown hair. He smiled when he heard the very quiet protest Iruka made. “I do love you too,” Kakashi answered with a husky voice. His eye widened, surprised when he felt embraced tightly, taking him a second to give back the gesture. And he stood there for a moment, his head in the crook of Iruka’s neck, inhaling the sweet scent of his boyfriend, closing his eye.

When they finally parted, his face became serious. “I also need to know where do you stand with the idea of having sex, Iruka. Of me touching you.” The chuunin blushed lightly, looking away. Kakashi could be straight forward. “Whatever happened back then, I’m not judging you.”

Iruka sighed. “I know. It’s just... It might take time. And...” He stared his the comprehensive grey eye again. “What will happen next, after we do it?”

The hand playing with the soft brown hair reached gently for a tan hand resting on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “I didn’t have many partners in my life, Sensei. Did the simple fact that I opened myself to you, that I trust you that much for me to let you know parts of my life ever spoke to you?” His other hand rested on the tanned cheek, caressing it lightly. “I won’t let you go away that easily. I’ve come back to talk with you. Because I want to understand underneath the underneath what we mean to each other.”

“Thank you,” was the only thing Iruka was able to answer, his eyes glimmering with tears. And Kakashi had been true to his word. When they would make out, Kakashi had taken the initiative to ask him if it felt right, if he was at ease with what was happening. Slowly but surely, Iruka felt more at ease with his own body as time went by.

He did ask his boyfriend, once, if Kakashi would feel comfortable if they would never have sex. At first, no answer came, and it took some days before he was finally answered that it would be hard to live like that, and they would have to talk about the matter more, but he thought that It could be done. Because it was Iruka that he loved, not the idea of having sex with him.

Even after Naruto left for his training, the academy was still not open. Iruka was still doing missions, and Kakashi had a hard time dealing with that idea. The silver haired jounin was able to deal with the fact that _he_ might die one day on the field, but that his chuunin could go and risk his life made him feel useless, mostly when he had to wait back in Konoha.

Insomnia would grasp him hardly, and he would find himself tiredly waiting for his return. It made him grumpy and angry. They would fight over it each time Kakashi would make a remark on a newly gotten scar. It was not any snide remark, but just a small fact that was voiced, and each time Iruka knew that Kakashi was calculating how he had been hit. And, in a way, he felt that he was judged on his capacities.

And then, he would think that Iruka had made it through the lost of a partner, just as he had, and yet, he knew that he was not as strong as this man. Because instead of living his life when it had been Obito, and Rin, then Yondaime, he had made sure to not get this attached to anyone again.

If the man he loved died back there, he was not sure he could live through it. It hurt, and the only thing he could do was to wait, and hope. He knew that Iruka was capable and strong, and the fact that he could pulled himself through a mission showed that his past was behind him. Even if he would still have some nights where he would not be able to sleep beside the jounin, and simply fall asleep near the window despite the enormous quantity of coffee he had to drink.

The day they finally made love was one where Iruka came back from a mission scattered, ending up at the hospital, having Sakura to take care of him, talk to him about what her life had been since he last he saw her. They both missed Naruto and Sasuke fiercely, he realized. And when for him it was because he felt that he could have done more for the raven haired boy, relating to the pain he could see in Kakashi’s eyes from time to time, he knew that Sakura hurt in a deeper way.

And as he was sharing on his behalf about Naruto, Kakashi gently knocked on the door, before entering.

“It’s nice to see you, Kakashi-sensei,” she greeted the tall man, bowing her head.

“Hello, Sakura,” he said lazily, his lone eye smiling, hands in his pocket. “It’s been a while.”

“Yes it has. I am mostly done here, and Iruka-sensei will be good to go.” She smiled, before finishing bandaging her formerly teacher, packing her medical tools and leaving without a glance.

She had understood rapidly that the two men were connected, but she did not ask questions. It was not her business, she understood very well the situation. Kakashi and Iruka could not keep themselves for wondering how mature she was growing. If she could at least give some of this observation skill to Naruto.

“You’re mission went well as I see,” said Iruka in a sing song voice as Kakashi helped him up.

He eyed cautiously the young man. “Yes, it has. What happened?” The wounds convering the chuunin body did not seem to serious from what he had seen, but he knew very well that they had miss arteries from an inch repeatedly. Iruka simply reached the admission desk without saying a word and signed the leave form he was handed. “I was worried when they told me you were at the hospital when I came back.”

Iruka sighed. “I know you were. But you knew what you were up for when I asked you to be the person to contact if something should go wrong, so please stop reacting this way each time.”

As they walked to Kakashi’s apartment, the wind blew lightly under a grazing sun. Kakashi rolled his eyes. “I know, but it’s your third mission since the attack, and the second one where you come home in a condition worse than the other.”

“Oh, please, ‘Kashi. You know it’s the job! At least be happy that I’m able to do it without too much withdrawal on my part...” As he fiddled with the keys to unlock the door, he heard Kakashi grumbled.

“I must say that it’s maybe enough. You don’t sleep much, you don’t eat much, and you have endless hours at the mission desk. Which maybe we should add those nightmares, where now, instead of her, it’s me that is abandoning you.” Closing the door behind the chuunin and slipping down his mask, revealing a grim smiled plastered on his face, Kakashi wondered if maybe he should have dropped the subject again.

“What’s your problem, Kakashi? Konoha’s not doing well, and if we want our people to be safe, I have to let aside my feelings. And we could speak about you too!” He was trying to keep his voice leveled, and to control his anger. But damn, his lover was getting to him. “If you’re not on a mission, you’re here, wondering what to do of your life if I’m not here, because every jounin is busy doing their job so your friends are not there to remind you that there is something else to worry about than me!”

Kakashi aloof stance did not help to keep his temper from flaring, his grey showing almost no emotion, his tone dead when he spoke. “I’ve told you already that you are important to me. Does it bother you that I feel that I might lose you any time you get out of the village, every time that I see you forgetting yourself because you work too damn much? You should learn to say no, just like you did when you didn’t feel comfortable in bed.”

Iruka held up his hands in defeat. “Okay, stop. I don’t want to speak about it anymore. Was is it that you want? You want me to stop taking missions, where I have no right to say no? If I say no, it means I can’t do my job, and if I can’t do it, what am I good for?”

“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant.” The silver haired jounin ruffled his hair tiredly, taking his forehead protector off. “I know that you’re strong enough for those missions.” He hugged him lightly, untying the greasy brown hair. “I love you, and losing you is not something that I wish to experience so soon.”

Iruka smiled sadly, his head resting on Kakashi’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’m not leaving anytime soon. Anyway, the academy will open again in some days, so there won’t be as many missions anymore.” They smiled at each other, trying to shake off the issues they both had a hard time working at. “Want to take a shower with me?” he asked, wriggling his eyebrows. It had been a few weeks they had not been able to see each other, actually.

Kakashi did not even answer as they made their way to his small bathroom, kissing and touching, panting and nibbling, discarding their clothes. Iruka had grown bolder over time, sliding his hand in Kakashi’s pants and sizing him up, even offering at certain moments to relieve him with his mouth. It usually ended up both them naked and having fun their own way.

With time he understood that what Iruka meant by ‘ _things’_ he liked in bed was being tied up and other kinky elements, as once he was asked shyly to tie him. And it just added to what he knew of the chuunin’s past, but made sure to never let it show that he understood what had happened back there, with this other guy. Because it was not what Iruka wanted or needed.

Because Iruka was not Kakashi, and he did not need to dwell on the past forever, to remind himself of every little decisions he could have taken that would have maybe made a difference. The man that he had taken time to know was exactly what Kakashi was not: someone who looked forward, not always turning over everything and analyzing every little details.

And as he busied himself with the water, Iruka blatantly groping what he could to distract him, it was to his surprise when he saw the little package Iruka had in his hand when he turned to kiss him once more. “Really?”

“I was thinking about it since some time now. It’s been a while, and I... I would like it.”

“No problem, Sensei,” he whispered hungrily as he rubbed his hips against the other’s, eliciting a small moan. “What is it that you...” He closed his eyes as Iruka busied himself with his member and the condom, taking a deep breath. “... prefer?” he finished, muttering.

“Stop asking questions and make love to me, ‘Kashi.”

And they did it, slowly, tenderly, taking time to know what was pleasurable and what was not, taking time to feel each other. Iruka did not remember that it was suppose to be this way, the way their hips rocked together. He had forgotten how good it felt when two partners would be sharing this moment, laughing, moaning, whispering the name of the loved one, pressed against each other as Iruka held himself to Kakashi, barely leaning against the counter.

And as they learned together what they liked and did not like at each experience, Iruka could finally say that he now understood why he was living, what he was proud of, and certainly, what it was to love someone: the simple facts that he would work hard with Kakashi to understand the irrational fear of that the man felt at the idea losing someone deep to his heart, but if Iruka should lose Kakashi on the field, it was not the same; their fights about what should be tolerable as an amount of work; the fact that how sometimes Kakashi would simply dislike everything around him in a sudden fit of tiredness because of some traitor to the village, or how some shinobis would just work for their greed or power.

They also worked everyday when Iruka would be too tired and started to fall back in a destructive pattern, where he would have nights of nightmares in a row and simply let himself become an empty vessel. It was not easy, and both of them tried hard for the other, to help themselves as much as they could.

Because they were two broken souls that needed time and patience, and that together, they understood that things were a little easier, because they were both working on their life.

 

 


	14. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

 

The small brown bird delicately draw his long legs to rest on the wooden edge of the window. Ruffling his feathers, he stared aimlessly at his reflection within the glass. Green curtains were drawn, but it did not keep him from hearing what was happening between the two mates on the other side of it.

Two little hops, and his small beak pecked at the glass. There was a moment of silence.

“Did you hear that?” came a first muffled voice.

“Nuh-hah, haven’t heard a thing,” replied a second one.

“My, I’m rubbing off on you now.”

“Stop teasing me and keep moving, Sensei. Let’s make them wait a little...”

A light chuckle, followed by a deep groan. “This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” the first said in a playful tone.

“Ah, fuck! Again...”

The little bird chirped indignantly, flapping his wings in a defiant protest. He was not sent there for being pretty! He pecked at the window with insistence.

“Damn! Really? You’ve just got back!”

“Maa, Sensei, it’s life. Let it in.”

Two brown eyes peeked through the curtains, frustrated, before a heavy sight was heard and two strong hands pulled open the window for the bird to enter. He barely had time to untie the message attached to his left leg that the brunet had already scooped it up. He was not look upon has he made his leave hastily; he would have more work to do.

“So,” asked the silver haired man, lazily sprawled on the bed, ogling intently at his lover, “Should I be putting some clothes on?”

“No, I’m the one they’re seeking,” muttered Iruka, looking for his shirt.

Kakashi’s eyebrows furrowed. “A mission?”

“Seems like it,” started the chuunin as he made his way for the bathroom. He shouted, “As far as I know, no kids were major problems at the academy lately. Even with the latest Hyuuga or Nara.”

Crossing his hands behind his head, the jounin studied the white roof intently. The Hokage had surely good reasons to ask his lover to go on a mission even with the mission desk and his teaching job. He stared at the completely dressed man in his uniform.

He had such a nice ass, bend like this to put his sandals on. “Then I’ll be waiting for so you can finish what you’ve started,” Kakashi drawled smugly.

“Ha! What I’ve started?” Kakashi grinned as he was hold down by his flustered lover. “You’re the one who asked for it!”

“If I remember correctly – and give it to me that I’m not a genius for nothing – you are the one who told me you couldn’t wait to make me feel how bad you missed me.”

Iruka laughed, sitting on his lover’s hips. “But this was right between two missions you had, and I didn’t even had time to be with you since the last two weeks.”

“That’s what they all say.” He chuckled as he was hit on his torso. “Come here, before you leave,” he whispered as he tugged on the black shirt. The kiss was brief but deep, lasting some seconds that seemed so long. Their forehead pressed together, Kakashi ignoring the cold metal on his skin. “I’ll still be in your apartment after your meeting.”

“Okay. I’ll be back as soon as it’s over. Knowing Sasuke, it won’t be too long.”

And Kakashi wondered how much Iruka knew his students well, to still be right after so many years. As soon as he was back from his meeting, he did not give any time to Kakashi to word anything that he was on top of him and kissing him heatedly, hands groping and fingers sending him jolts of pleasure.

The rest of the evening went uneventfully, one reading, the other preparing tea in his favorite teapot. He did not ask any details regarding the mission, but he knew it was going to be at least a two months leave, his lover leaving the next morning.

“It’s a three man team. I’m leaving with ‘Zu and Namiashi Raidou.”

A grey eye rose up for the orange book. “I’m surprised Sasuke won’t send Kotetsu and Izumo together, or why he doesn’t pair up Genma with Raidou.”

“Raidou is the backup we might need, and Sasuke said two chunnins would be better than one jounin.”

“Hmm.”

Iruka smiled, huddle against him. “Don’t make that face, please.” He gave a gentle kiss on his love’s full lips. The scar that marked the bottom lip tilted up as Kakashi made a small smile. “I’m still surprised Sasuke accepted without disagreements your retirement.”

A pale hand untied the brown hair, softly stroking them. “He’s not Tsunade, that’s for sure. He understand that I’m not as valuable as I used to be. The war did gave us some kind of peace, after all.”

“Yeah, it has. Give me some years, and I’ll be retired with you.” He closed his eyes and moaned softly as he felt the dextrous fingers scrapped his head. “What are we going to do of all this free time?”

“I don’t know, Sensei. Maybe we could go spend some times at those hot springs I heard there was in Waterfall hidden village.”

Iruka smiled. “Yeah, we could. And we’ll take some time to spend with Kurenai and her son. She surely will have given birth to another kid, that’s for sure. She love them to damn much.”

“Says the academy teacher.”

“I love you, ‘Kashi.”

 

***

He should have come sooner. He was late, again. He knew he should have been on time, it was important after all. But it had been hard to simply force himself to make his way to _his_ apartment and open the door. Iruka’s friend would now have another reason to hate him, between all the other ones.

The place smelled stuffy, and through the badly lit room – no one had opened the curtains, and only a little parcel of light made it to light up the room – he could discern the sloppy figure sitting alone in the middle room. Kakashi sat down on the chair in front of Kotetsu.

He knew very well that his aloof stance did not fool for a minute Spiky. Both silent, none of them did want to speak first. “How are you?” he finally asked.

Dark, deeply circled eyes looked at him furtively, before staring back his hands clasped together. “Good.” Kotetsu was not sorry at all for his curt answer.

“I’m sorry.” A heavy sight was the only answer he got. “I wanted you to know.”

“As much as I am, Hatake. We’re together in that shit.” He stayed silent as he studied the small place, trying to be oblivious of the state Sharingan no Kakashi was. To think that one of their fiercest soldier could look even more intimidating than before spoke louder than any threats. “So, what will you do of his apartment? The insurance will soon be revoked, and you’re the one who’s held responsible for any of his properties.”

He was surprised of how much information Hagane detained. He had never really believed his lover when he said that those two shinobis did tell everything to each other. “Hmm.” He studied the blue tea cups covered in dust near the sink. He had not been able to touch anything since Iruka had left. “I suppose I’ll pay for it for some time.” He focused on the chuunin again as he heard him scoff darkly. Even if he tried to not show his anger, he knew he failed as he saw the bitter man roll his eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that. It’s been seven months now. As I much as I wish for it, it’s over. They won’t come back.” Kakashi said nothing. “It’s just going to be easier for everyone if you could let it go.”

He knew that Kotetsu was right, but somewhere, deep inside of him, he knew that he could not do that. Because it was Iruka, and that man had always found a way to survive, even through the fourth war. “I’m leaving soon. With Naruto.”

“What?”

“I’m going to find him.” The dark eyes finally looked at his for the first time in months.”Are you coming with us?”

Kotetsu ruffled his hair. “I’m not retired, unlike you.” He bitted his lips. “I- I can’t just go like that. Not when I’ve finally decided to move on.”

“I understand.” Kakashi stood up and opened the door to make his leave.

“Thank you, Hatake. Be careful. From what they did to Raidou, we don’t know what we are up to.”

Turning around, he nodded, his hands in his pockets. “I’ll bring _him_ back for you too.” They stared at each other for a moment, before he closed the door, leaving the chuunin to his own pain. It was not his to share this private moment.

Teleporting himself to his apartment, he looked at Naruto who was patiently waiting in his kitchen. “Ready?”

“You bet! I told Sakura to keep an eye on the dobe so he won’t do anything stupid while I’m away.”

His lone eye smiled for him. “Good. Let’s go. Guy’s waiting for us at the gates.”

***

Everything was fuzzy. He was not able to focus his vision, and every sound he heard made his head throbbed harder, his nausea never leaving him anymore. He had hard time to tell if he had all of his limbs, even if they probed at his muscles and sent him electric shocks.

Even through the pain, he could not keep his mind from thinking about Kakashi. Inside of him, he knew that he had failed miserably. So much for telling his lover that he was strong enough after all those years of missions, teaching kids to kill and manning a mission desk.

“Can you follow the light, 106?” He tried to shout at them, to make them back off as the light made him see white spots, giving the sensation they were drilling holes in his brain. Only a gurgled sound escaped his throat. “Take note of his reactions and symptoms, please. He’s the first to respond positively to the experiment, and everything needs to be recorded.”

“Sir, have we found the cure?” The indistinct form of two human beings now stood near him, someone who seemed to be a young lady had joined who he thought was an old man.

“It’s the beginning. With this patient, I might be able to find it.” Iruka could not see the smile of the man in front of him, yet he could hear it in his gravely voice.

 


End file.
